MauriceReeves.com

Yessir, I know some toxic people like you described. I do remember your father, and as great of a man as he was in so many ways, I do remember him being rather tough on you, but I was unaware of him being quite toxic to you, so insensitive. Its really bad when you read something like what you wrote, you look in the mirror at yourself, and you think to yourself, "My God, could *I* have been that way?" The fact is, I was, to a limited extent, with someone who I really cared about, and I deeply regret it...and when the realization that you did something like this hits you, it really makes you want to hate yourself, and change, so that you never do it ever again. Hopefully something like this can be filed under the "lessons learned" category.

I had a friend like that that. I put up with her behavior from 4th grade until my senior year of high school. In college, we didn't speak. She went to Princeton and I went off to Rider. A few years went by before she called to say that she was sorry for taking me for granted. She said, "No matter how mean I was to you, I knew if I ever needed you, you would always be there." And then one day I wasn't.

And so I thought my dear old childhood friend had changed and I started hanging out with her again. And once she met a few of my friends, she became her old self again. She would belittle me in front of anyone and everyone. I can definitely take a lot of abuse before I eventually walk away without any warning or explanation.

My last straw was when I called to let her know that my dog had died. Danny had been a part of my life from the age of 10 to the age of 25. She had been my best friend for most of those years. I used to make special trips home from college just to bond with the dog. And when I finally heard that Danny refused to eat or drink anything in several days, I was furious that no one had bothered to tell me. I immediately made an appointment with the vet, who confirmed that she was just old and had a good life. We could have had an IV put into her but I didn't want to watch her suffer needlessly. So, I made the decision to bring her in the next day to put her down and made my parents postpone their vacation by a few hours to go with me.

When I told my very supportive friend of the demise of Danny, she said, "Laura, are you sure she was that sick? My dog is only a few months younger than yours and she is fine. Are you sure she wasn't just a little sick? Sometimes my dog won't eat for a few days."

I can't tell you how much I appreciated someone telling me that perhaps I made a mistake in killing my dog. Why would you say that to someone? And me being my usual self said absolutely nothing to her so I'm sure she didn't even realize that she was completely out of line and being extremely insensitive. I simply never called her again. I never spoke to her again.

She still aks about me when she sees someone who knows me. But I will not allow someone to make me feel badly about myself or the decisions I make.

She once said to one of my friends, "Laura is a good friend to have. She is loyal but if you hurt her, she will take her friendship away without any warning and you can never get it back."

Strange how she thought to inform someone else of that fact but must have thought she was immune.

And so I have learned why people are that way. I saw it in the sorority. Yet, I am the opposite. I would never treat someone like that (unless they truly deserve it) because I know how that type of behavior affected me. Some people choose to be that toxic to make themselves feel better about who they are. Some sorority sisters did it so others would know how badly it hurt when someone had been that cruel to them.

It's such a vicious cycle.

It's been helpful to read about the pain of others. It reminds me that I'm not alone and I don't have to be around people who want to hurt me.
The most painful toxic relationships I have had to deal with is family members. I have had to stop being around them. It's hard, I always wanted to be close to my family but they have and continualy wound, that I have to keep my distance in order to try to find my life.
Unfortunly, we repeat what is familiar. I created friendships with others that ended up treating me like my family. Now I have been in the process of letting go of toxic people that I had thought were friends. This has been a very painful and lonly process. I hope someday I can make friends with others that treat eachother with kindness and respect. I would rather be alone then with a bunch of toxic family and so called friends.

Having toxic parents and other family members is truly a painful and draining experience. My parents "toxic waste" still haunts me to this day. It lingers deep within my soul with occasioinal reminders of its presence. I have battled, and still occasionally do, with self-hatred, fear of becoming like them, guilt (during my weaker moments) over being the only child unable to tolerate the toxicity, and other residual side effects of my parent's emotional abuse, negativity, and so on. But, like all of you here, I am a survivor and a family frontier who has embarked on a difficult, long and rocky, but brave journey that many family members before us didn't have the strength or ability to do. I am proud of all of you. Each one of you who shares your experience and journey provide inspiration, encouragement, and strength to others, ranging from those who are just coming to terms with a loved one's toxicity to those who are feeling weak and vulnerable at the moment.

Lastly, I thank each of you for the strength and encouragement that your posts have provided for me today, during my more vulnerable and trying time. I know I'm not alone. I love you all.

Best Wishes on your lives ahead,
Susan

I grew up in a toxic family. Trust, loyalty, understanding, forgiveness, kindness and love, all destroyed by one toxic person, my Mother.

No one could have guessed, she was lady like, never swore or raised her voice & appeared to be a vulnerable victim of an "alcoholic, violent husband".

My Dad, did become a drinker, at times drinking too much, when it becomes impossible to exercise self control. Those were the times, my Mother would start on him, niggling in the background, constant, demeaning words, cutting viciously at everything, from his role as a Father, provider, husband and his work. Provoking him until he erupted, then pulling all her children (7 of us) in front of her for protection, while she ducked out of sight, behind the safety of our bodies.

In her passive aggressive way, she would choose "freezing you out" for weeks, if you showed any sympathy or care towards your Father.

In that pursuit, she would have already gathered the support of the younger kids, too scared to "cross her", so you were subjected to verbal abuse along with "freezing out" from the entire family.

As the years went by, the verbal turned to physical abuse, if you weren't on the right team. A team headed by someone with dangerous power. Who wants to lose the love & affection of a Mother? Who wants to risk assault and verbal abuse from siblings? Who wants to feel they are living in a family that hates you?

My older brother who worked with my Father, was finally provoked into a physical fight, at the urging of my Mother. It really broke his heart, he loved our Father & loved working with him.
Something inside him, never recovered from that.

Along with my Father's wages, my older brother & each of us, as we began working, contributed financially, but there was never enough money, because my Mother could not handle money, but that was her biggest resentment, never enough money.

My Father ended up being nothing more than, a punching bag, emotionally and otherwise, with his younger kids calling him terrible names - they knew nothing else.

I stood by my Father & eventually moved from London to Sydney, as far away as possible, when my Father died.

My Father in his later years, became a broken, bitter man, the eyes that used to sparkle with love & cheer, became empty, dead.

My family was divided, never more obvious than at the Funeral of my Mother, which I did not attend, but was later described to me. Each half, depending on who they had supported, sitting on either side of the Church & everyone fearful that a fight would break out.

In contrast, my Father's funeral, was standing room only, with people spilling out onto the street & filled with a genuine sorrow for a good soul. I must admit, 50% were his pals from his drinking nights.

A few years after my Mother's death, my younger brother committed suicide. He had been her right hand man. Her sort of, stand in husband if you like. An intelligent University Lecturer, soccer coach, business man, handsome, well groomed, but so torn inside.

All we learned was, if you want something, manipulate & scapegoat the person who won't give it to you, until you get it. Or, sit on the fence, swap sides constantly, to ensure you didn't become the scapegoat.

As I see it, my Father's mistake was to be too kind and understanding and too loyal. He became poisoned and worn down over the years. Robbed of laughter, love and warmth. He would have been better walking away. He made excuses, understood, remained loyal to his wife, took the high ground by never involving his kids, but escaped with drink, which was used against him with the utmost skill.

Recently I became involved in a social group & within a few months, recognised similar patterns in one of the women.

She criticised everyone in the group, particularly single women. Eventually taking out her posion on one in particular, with a vicious and personal e mail, attacking her & informing her, that everyone in the group had something bad to say about her. Involving everyone in her poison.

If she discovered anyone had been talking to her victim, she would "freeze them out" at social events, or, make plans to meet you, then not turn up or call to cancel. Punishment, for not doing her bidding.

You got the same treatment, if you didn't buy her drinks & were labelled as "tight" same with meals or cigarettes.

This woman actually believed, that other people were being "tight" and they were bad people, for not spending their hard earned money on her.

Her marriage, needless to say, was a violent, volatile affair. On\off with monotonous regularity.

Everyone was dragged into that too; if you didn't listen, you were punished. If you did listen, when they got back together, your sympathising for the physical evidence of her abuse, was seen as, someone who did not approve of her husband and again, you guessed it, you were "freezed out" for not liking him.

One day I arrived unnanounced at their flat, the door open, to hear her yelling at him, "you fucking dirty wog, you're just a cleaner, you make no money, you're a lousy father" (to the kid from a previous marriage) as he responded angrily, she lashed out, kicking him squarely in the face as he lay on the bed, he grabbed her by the arm.

I left, unnoticed. Sure enough, next day everyone gets a visit, to show the bruised arm.

This woman comes across as, sweet, always smiling, even while she's twisting the knife, speaks quietly & nicely & is utterly convincing when she appears to be the terrible victim of some horribly abusive man.

Amusingly, she is the first person to send e mails, urging everyone to attend "Peace Rallies".

She recently made plans with me to meet up, with others, for a social event. Then promptly cancelled it with everyone, without telling me, I wasted hours.

Next day, I get an e mail, all about the latest fight & subsequent arrest of her husband. No apology or explanation for the previous wasted evening, if I seek an apology, the response is anger & it is turned around on me, somehow.

My response to the e mail? Go find a counsellor to talk to & take my details out of your address book.

I hung in with this person, doing what my Father did, seeing the "good" trying to understand the bad, allowing for her "dysfunctional childhood" but, a light went on this time. Why waste my time trying to understand someone who has serious problems, which they won't fix, because there's too much advantage in it for them.

I am not a personal counsellor, I do not have to spend any of my hard earned money on anyone, unless I choose to, I am entitled to choose whom I wish to talk to without fear of reprisal & given that 90% of my time with this person, is filled with anxiety, tension and poision, why would I want to be any where near her!

Old patterns die hard, but they do die. Be careful about judging a "violent man" until you see for yourself, what lies behind it.

Beware of these, cute, smiley, vulnerable women who are easily & often, moved to tears (for themself), the ones who can't seem to manage in life & are so vulnerable, they need your help! They are often so full of poison that they could polute a country, but it's hard to see, behind the veneer of girly vulnerability.

Finally any female who reads this needs to know, I am female! I am not a woman hater, I just see how men can be provoked & though there is no excuse for physical abuse, it cuts both ways.

Good luck in cutting loose any poison in your lives folks!

Hi.
I have a toxic mother who is happiest when she's miserable and making everyone else miserable. She does nothing but complain and put everyone down. I am an only child and for some reason I continuously think she will change and often go to her for help with things. She loves to shower me with money and then later tell me that I'm making her broke. I'm in college right now to be a teacher and so sometimes I do need some help with things financially. I could get along without her help, but she makes it so easy to ask. My father is a real sweet optimistic kind of guy and all she does is complain about him. She also is very jumpy everytime I drive and I'm a very good driver with a good record. She screams at me when we're in the car which shakes me up and makes me want to scream back. If I do, she tells me that she's going to have a stroke or something and do I want her to end up in the hospital? She constantly throws temper tantrums in order to get her way. I worry about both my parents and how they're doing. They fight alot now that I don't live there anymore to take the brunt of her abuse. My sweet father has finally gotten sick of the way she treats him. He for the most part puts up with it, but sometimes he does things his own way instead of her way, which really ticks her off. Both my parents are young senior citizens with some health problems. My mother has diabetes and my father is showing some signs of dementia. I worry alot about them and how they will make it if I move out of state to get a job. I feel guilty for wanting to move away. It's like a double edge sword, and I feel like my hands are tied. I've waited my whole life to be on my own and away from my abusive situation and yet I feel like I'm not allowed to, because I don't know what will happen to them. Any advice? Susan

I can’t believe all this information, it’s such a HUGE help to know that there are other people out there who have ‘toxic people’ in their lives. I’ve had a very toxic friend for years now and I did cut her out of my life completely a little while after discovering my Father was terminally ill and only had about a year to live. I cut her out of my life then as I just couldn’t bare the ‘constant negativity’ about absolutely everything. (we became friends again just before her wedding when she seemed happy for a short time) This friend has always complained about what she has and its only recently when I see that she really has everything you could possible need AND SOME that I realized, nothing is EVER going to make her happy.
I took this class and read the book ‘healthy mind, healthy body’ and it was at this class that someone spoke up about the book ‘toxic people’. I ordered it just today but then did a search on the internet also and I found all this really useful information you people have so generously shared with the world.
Just last weekend, I hung out with her and I was feeling so low the next day that I began to think about some things she had said and done the night before and it made sense that I’d be feeling down after our social encounter.
She called me the next day to find out what I was doing for the rest of the w-end and to ask me to hang out again. I mentioned that I had plans with another friend and she made many aggressive sarcastic comments about this other friend (who she doest know, or has never met as she is not good with new people). You know that kind of thing “oh so Lisa has a new friend’ ‘well isn’t that just great’ ‘so is this your ‘new’ friend’, stuff like that, it really seemed like she was trying to push me away but at the same time think that I’d want to hang out with her even when she is treating me like this so I made the decision to not answer her calls for the rest of the w-end as I just wanted it to be a happy one with minimal negativity in it. It worked like a charm and I had a lovely relaxing time.
After reading some of the comments here today, I’ve decided that the next time she calls and try’s to verbally abuse me on the phone, I’m going to hang up. The next time I see her face to face and if she tries it, I’m going to turn and walk away. Easy! And if she doesn’t get it then that will be the end of this dysfunctional friendship.
Thanks you all!

I have been struggling so hard for a year now and today is the first time someone told me the phrase of "toxic people".

Last year, my husband was transferred from Texas to Ohio. We elected to choose this because his family lives here and I wanted to be, and my kids to be closer to his family. We have been together 18 years but lived far enough away that we only saw them on special occasions.

My sister in law is a toxic person and unfortunate, I had to find this out after she had spend unlimited weekends "bonding" with my 13 yr. old daughter...my daughter became defiant, disrespectful and unbearable. I did not want to stop this relationship, I simply thought this was a teenage phase. I have found (through my daughter) that those unlimited weekends were spent in passing the time by talking ill about me (her mother) and her brother (my son)! Once my daughter noticed how my son and I were treated (coldness and at times avoidance) she (my daughter) took a stand. Now she is an outsider along with my son and I. My sister in law has accomplished turning most of the family against us, making it almost unbearable to attend family functions.

I have advised my husband that "I am done" and will not be around them nor attend family functions. Since I have been on this emotional roller coaster for some time, I would like others opinions as to...am I doing the right thing?

I have been struggling so hard for a year now and today is the first time someone told me the phrase of "toxic people".

Last year, my husband was transferred from Texas to Ohio. We elected to choose this because his family lives here and I wanted to be, and my kids to be closer to his family. We have been together 18 years but lived far enough away that we only saw them on special occasions.

My sister in law is a toxic person and unfortunate, I had to find this out after she had spend unlimited weekends "bonding" with my 13 yr. old daughter...my daughter became defiant, disrespectful and unbearable. I did not want to stop this relationship, I simply thought this was a teenage phase. I have found (through my daughter) that those unlimited weekends were spent in passing the time by talking ill about me (her mother) and her brother (my son)! Once my daughter noticed how my son and I were treated (coldness and at times avoidance) she (my daughter) took a stand. Now she is an outsider along with my son and I. My sister in law has accomplished turning most of the family against us, making it almost unbearable to attend family functions.

I have advised my husband that "I am done" and will not be around them nor attend family functions. Since I have been on this emotional roller coaster for some time, I would like others opinions as to...am I doing the right thing?

It's taken me years to realize that my "christian" family is toxic.
Whenever something good happens in my life, there are no congratulations, just lectures on how I should be more God-like, despite their un-Godlike behaviors. When I told my sisters I was pregnant, no congratulations, just speeches on how I an my children will be going to hell for lack of my being married to my fiance. Every failure is met with "it's because you aren't Christian enough or don't go to church enough".
I'd love a close relationship with my family but it becomes a choke-hold relationship before too long. I am not invited along with my sisters for their special outings and they deny getting together behind my back when I've seen them do it.
I've decided that no matter how good I am to them and their children, no matter how successful I am in my life, I willnever measure up in their eyes. I used to think it was me, or because I am the middle child, but I think now that it is my strength and sense of self that causes them to feel like they have to constantly peck away at my self-esteem. I used to feel I was being "un-christian" by avoiding them, but how Christian or moral in general is it to treat anyone like that?

Thanks for this website. It really makes one wonder how some people have children, since they don't seem to like them very much.

I grew up with a father who was constantly annoyed with me. I didn't have to do anything half the time. He hated his marriage and I suppose he had to take it out on me.

For years I took verbal abuse and some physical abuse as well. I always felt I was the one who was doing something wrong.

It was after he passed away that I realized I didn't miss him at all and that I actually realized that I felt some anger about how he treated me all those years. This made me feel that I needed to get counseling to see why I didn't miss him or feel anything about him. It has been since 1995 that he passed away and I still don't miss him. All I can remember are the terrible ways he treated me. He didn't leave me much of a legacy to remember him by.

He was so well liked in the community that it was hard for me to accept he treated strangers better than me...his own daughter.

My mother is just as bad. She is still alive and I have had to learn to break away from her. I am happier when I don't talk to my mother.

It is sad when these things happen in a family but the bottom line is that you can't make people love you. If you try to make someone love you ..it isn't really love anyhow. Love should be a natural response...not one that is conditional.

Rhonda

I too have dealt with a highly toxic person, my future sister in law, for almost thirteen years. Although she is not always openly hostile, she has managed to make the entire family see me as the horible person who is so mean to her. I hate that I am always the one who has to swallow my pride and invite her and my brother in law over and attend gatherings where everyone will be ga ga over her and then turn and look at me disapprovingly because I am the only one not involved in her conversation or laughing at her jokes. In fact, save for the arguements my husband and I have about her, we wouldn't fight at all. He tells me that he and I should just not say anything because he dosen't want his brother to get upset. What about my feelings though? I am completely at a loss for what to do. She loves to either act like I don't exist, (even on trips that my husband and I pay for in an attempt to find forgiveness) or she is just flat out cruel and rude to me( even in my own home. If anyone has any advice I would live to hear it.

Lost in toxicity!!!

i just went downstairs and the VERY first thing my great aunt says to me is negative... i try to avoid her as i've learned it can set the tone for my entire day, but sometimes it's impossible... then, her daughter, my aunt, both of whom i've lived with for several years now, smiled said good morning then started in about something i'd bought for the upstairs kitchen (a mop, which apparently was not good enough)... it wears me out to even talk to them because it's a neverending battle to get a few words out even when i'm asked a question due to the aunts interruptions... i mean, it's gotten to the point where either i walk away, or i make the *T* sign with my hands for time out, or aloud i'll say *oh, nevermind*... there have been times when i've commented that other people have important stuff to share too, but it goes right past them... two seconds later, they are all stepping all over you, a bit of info before leaving the house turns into HUGE DRAMA... they have no idea why i *get so upset; find faults in them; ignore them; get nasty* great words, hmm? not once does anyone ask me, it's what i've heard from other people... i'm the scapegoat here as i'm not biological family and boy does it show... wait-- maybe they DO Treat me like family and this is how it's done... sick... my aunt's partner is emotionally and verbally abusive to everyone and blamed me at every turn for whatever he felt was wrong and it was every day, every half hour, and always before resuming work (sunday night predictable episodes!)... he hates my aunt's mother, family, friends, cats, et cetera.. he loathes his daughter her husband; his work; the people there (using horrific ethnic slangs); the dev disabled mentally retarded guys for whom we help;

the boundaries were so way out in the water and blurred that if they didn't all think exactly alike and that was fearing mark the MAN of the house (great leadership skills), and if they were not all WILDLY and without passion for what another is trying to put out there, only having concerns for how everything relates to SELF SELF SELF in the competition for a simple few sentences; and if they couldn't find negativity around every corner and say it, (but never never never ever ask them any questions about one thing or you get yelled at or it gets worsE)... well... what would they have?

nothing to cover up the REAL issues going on inside of them... if they talked like real people do to each other, or listened, or forgot all the episodes resulting in upsetting the entire house hold, then it would be so much better for their/our well-being... talking is bad; reporting abuse to the cops is bad; the messages are CLEAR- keep angry feelings in and learn resentment and abuse is fine because we don't like the cops... my aunts visibly cringe whenever i've tried to talk to them... they're so uncomfortable with what? feeling? if they're acting out of control then they're not really feeling, it's more like going through the motions in high speed and never being in the moment...

they are all so unwell and so unaware...

I come from a long line of toxic family members and now find out through reading about toxic people that I am toxic too. I have one child, a daughter and also a highly functioning alcoholic husband. My daughter stays away most of the time and hangs out with her friends. I am toxic with both my husband and child. I realize now that I need help. My daughter is 15 and my husband is 43. I am so sad and sorry for my behavior. I have never had a high self esteem, and can never keep friends for very long,I have lost too many jobs and basically marvel that I have my daughter and my husband still in my life. I am not sure if I am toxic all the time but still I am toxic. I dont want to be this way, I just cant seem to keep my mouth shut, and the pain inside me just keeps building and building. Whoever reads this, please dont hate me, it is not as though I ever planned to be this way and I do want to change my ways and hopefully I will be able to.

It is with a great sense of relief that I found this site. You see I did not realise until I began counselling that the majority of my relationships have been toxic. Both my parents are toxic, self obsessed, complainers and blamers. I became a people pleaser and caretaker in order to find approval. My sister died over two years ago, in the early stages my friend appeared to be supportive. However in retrospect I noted that she still craved attention. She took a month of sick from work, claiming stress during my compassionate leave and yes I nursed her through this. During my low periods she became upset when I appeared shutdown and depressed and dealt with this by either cold shouldering me or being abusive. I perservered wanting things to change and feeling guilty for feeling sad and neglecting her. I also felt that if I remained understanding she would change. She has not but I have. I feel very confident about myself and have developed a variety of interests and new friends (I was previously afraid to do this because she might get upset). This rrelationship is coming to a close. I have hung on wanting things to be different but know that I must let go. This has be hard as I have felt guilty and very stressed by it all. However I want and deserve healthy and harmonious relationships so will persevere.

Once again I would like to thank all the previous contributors as their admissions has given me the courage to write.

These postings sound very common. I came from an extremely toxic family. My mother was married three times and failed all of her marriages. My blood father was also married three times. He succeeded on his third one. My Step father "whom I loved" shot and killed his brother in a heated "hunting accident". His mother never forgave him for it. He bought her a house, car and many other things which she got rid of at the first moment. THis behavior by his mother was a pattern that he followed through his life. My mother was obese and from a very abusive family of her own. She abused herself, and her kids by those three different fathers. She couldn't see that I was a person. Physical, emotional and mental abuse just pervaded our home. We were a very angry bunch of kids. It took most of my life to get over this, and now I am happy and think of my future as holding my best days.
Rich

I realised a few years ago that my younger sister is a toxic person and I no longer have any contact with her. She in fact initiated the last fall out but I have done nothing to try to patch things up. I got married last year and my husband was witness to her last act of toxicity and wants nothing more to do with her.
It is extremely painful to cut yourself off from family members and friends but I truly believe that it is the best and only solution. Once you have realised someone is a very negative force in your life ask yourself what possible reason you could have for allowing the relationship to continue? Life is too short. These people are masters at manipulation and brain washing you into thinking that you are the one with the problem but once you put some distance between you it is usually perfectly clear that they are the ones in the wrong. It actually took my husband to point out the full extent of my sisters character flaws because like most people I had been trying to ignore or justify her behaviour for many years. It was such a relief to have someone else confirm my worst suspicions. My advise is that if you think someone is behaving toxically to you then they probably are and you should remove yourself from their company as much as you are able and completely if you can. For the lady with the sister in law issues I suggest you speak to your husband very seriously about this because it sounds like he is not being as supportive as he should be. I would then seriously consider moving away again as your sister in law sounds like a very proactively poisonous person and someone who obviously enjoys causing trouble. Good luck and thanks for all the postings. They make very interesting reading. We're not alone!

My mother is definitly toxic. She criticizes, screams, talks loudly, is insensitive and demanding. She hit us, belittles us in front of boyfriends and friends. She never tells me she is proud of me. She never encourages us, never apologizes when she is wrong. She also has a shopping addiction, which she made my older sister and I work as teens onto our adult years and made us sign our paychecks over to her.If we didn't, we were afraid of the consquences, which were grounding, hitting and other severe punishments. She now has literally taken thousands, never to be repaid back. She almost lost her house 6 months ago, and I had to lend her $600 which was a stretch to me, and made her read a list of demands from me. One being that she couldn't make unnecessary purchases, which she betrayed soon after. She hasn't mentioned paying me back, and when I bring it up she tells me about all her bills shes owes on. Bankruptcy was filed, what could she possibly owe so much on now? She has no job, and when she does get one she can't hold it, because she has a real problem with authority other than hers. She sits at home and watches t.v. all day. She held us from having anyone of close personal contact and even helped me to end a close relationship with a friend/relative, who she thought was unhealthy for me. Maybe the unhealthy thing was having no real outlet to complain or cry to to help solve my problem. As an adult, I still yearn to have close contact with her, but I hate her so much. She has caused me so much pain. The real unfortunate thing for me right now is that I am financially unstable and need a "backup" in case, but hate it. Also, I have no one else to talk to, my family ignores the problem, or refuses to acknowledge there is one. I'm in serious pain constantly, and now am suffering from high amounts of stress and have panic attacks. I'm depressed and cry alot and am suicidal at times. It's completely worthless to talk to my mother, she somehow dosen't "understand"---making me really believe she is somehow mentally "handicapped". I'm in dire need of therapy which I can't afford, and have no where to turn to. I feel lost all the time. If anyone can recommend something for me, like a book, I would be much obliged. Thanks for letting me vent!

I divorced my toxic husband 15 years ago and didn't realize the extent of the hell my 4 children and I were living until he left our home. Only then could I think clearly without his smothering, debilitating emotional abuse. The children and I were actually fortunate he moved 1,300 miles away, 4 years after the divorce. He hardly managed to maintain a relationship with the children, although still managed to be hurtful to them and me ...time and time again.... until his most painful and devastating incident 2 years ago, after which they discontinued contact with him.

Now my ex is trying to resume contact with the kids (due to pressure from his family), starting with one son by email, who lives with me. My son has hesitantly agreed to talk to him and hear what he has to say to determine whether or not to restart a relationship. If their dad would ever change, I would be happy for my children to have a loving, caring father but of course I am fearful (and expect)he will be the same and once again just cause them so much pain. I know it is completely their decision - it's just difficult to see them go through this, especially with their father -the person who is supposed to love, care, and protect them. I also know these past 2 years were the most peaceful and happy years since I married him.
Of course when we married, I did not realize he was a toxic person. When he was having (continual)problems and unhappiness due to any reason, I remained the devoted wife...moving, changing jobs, houses, etc.- doing whatever to make him happy and NOTHING, even a truly wonderful, blessed life, ever did. I FINALLY realized he was unhappy within himself and brought down everyone around him...and made the worst of any and every situation. I finally looked at his actions instead of his words. He has convinced his family, with his rational sounding words, my children and I were the cause of the estrangement and he is the innocent victim. They should ask themselves why would children who desperately want a father, not talk to him for 2 years...through holidays, birthdays - including a Sweet 16th, an 18th, a 21st, graduations,etc..... and if I am the reason he hasn't had contact with them and he truly wants to...why hasn't he even contacted his son in 2 years -who attends college in his state?
Thank you for letting me share my story and be VERY careful who you marry!

Hi I just want to suggets a book that may me helpful; Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney web site http://www.joy2meu.com/

god bless

I have a very toxic older sister. She has been toxic toward me most of my life. Financially she is in a much better position than I. She continually copies everything I obtain or do. She kept asking me to do some faux marbleizing on her columns in her home. (I took very expensive classes to learn faux painting) I had her assist with taping and easy tasks such as sponge painting. I did the more difficult painting and have a huge investment in equipment. After I had left her home, she wrote and told me that all of her friends and neighbors loved her columns and thought they looked so real. And she told them SHE DID THEM.
After finding out my husband and I purchased a brand new "first" luxury car (she has had many for years), she went out a purchased the same identical car right down to the color. I feel like she continually steals my thunder and continues to remind me that she will always be "one up on me". Is it normal to feel resentment about her buying the identical car? This is just the latest annoyance in her bag of tricks. She has done many mean things to me in the past, but my husband continues to remind me that she is, of course, family and we should get along. Should I eliminate this emotional vampire from my life?

I think that my folks are toxic and would love someone to give me some advice on how to deal with them. I am 35 years old, married and with a 15 month old son. My parents make me feel so guilty if we decide not to spend the weekend with them. They are good grandparents to my son, and my two sisters (both younger) both live far away, so I feel as if they are my responsibility. The problem is that they treat me like a child, constantly undermining my parenting decisions, pointing out all my faults and generally being very controlling. I have a terrible relationship with my so-called "Christian" mother as a result of her constant criticism and interference in my life as an adult and my bitterness towards her caused by the "hidings" doled out to me as a child. However, both parents suffer from depression and my mother even attemted suicide 2 years ago. It seems that whenever I get up the nerve to tackle my parents and tell them to back off, or cut down on the time spent with them, my mother has a "relapse" and I get a worried phone call from my father to inform me all aboput it. Should I just cut them off (depriving my son of a relationship which seems to be beneficial at this stage)or do I have a responsibility to keep a relationship going with them? Please help.

My mother is beyond toxic. Her tool of choice is character assassination and gossip. And foolishly she some how believes the people she spews her lies to will somehow keep her secret. I have 30 years of examples, but the best happened yesterday. My cousin is visiting from Germany and my mother had 3 house with her and spewed the following forth: There is something wrong with me because I avoid her, my marriage is bad (my marriage is so great!), my kids are troubled (All happy, healthy, loving and great students-avoiding her b/c she bad mouths me), sited as evidence that I'm f***ed up that my brother & I rarely speak (Her brother, my cousin's father had cut all ties 15 years ago with her b/c she is such a hideous gossip-my cousin just scratched her head) I could go on. But dating and being the center of attention everywhere she went was more important than motherhood to her. Despite it I have become an attorney, mother of 5 (2 adopted and making room for a foster kid) have a great marriage and am involved in my children's activities and volunteer work. I have magrinalized my mother to the fringes of my life because it IT isn't about her she sh**s on it. Enough. Simply states, if she were pleasant to be around, I'd be around her. But I can't waste the time around anyone so negative, dishonest, dilussional and mean, mother or not-she lost the privledge.

I just read the book "Toxic Parents" and it opened my eyes WIDE!!! I just met my biological mother "Brenda" around 6 years ago (she gave me up to my real father at age 8) and Man what a messed up ride that's turned out to be!! I found my sister (who she also gave to the father (who was a heroin addict and called "the mangler") and they both seemed to bond over dislike for ME! I gave them both cars (which they both did not appreicate) and the "mother" constantly talks behind my back and is extremely mean! I finally had to cut the sister out as well when I discovered (even after letting her into my home with her 2 young children)-and her packing up because she was "bored" to move in with the mother who smokes weed and everything else..that she betrayed me with this woman ONCE AGAIN by forwarding a personal online argument between me and my other sister !! She then acted like she did nothing wrong and meanwhile gave this woman ammunition to used against me (coincidently 3 days before I was gonna do a confrontation with this Brenda woman!)This person "Melissa" (RUN far if you ever meet her.) Is a sociopath and uses people to get things (for those in the Burlington, Ontario Canada area look out). These women (I use the term loosly) BOTH gave up two children to the biological fathers, are both mean spirited and both have abusive partners (THEY think are fine) and both live off the system. Yet THEY could see nothing similar about themselves when I brought it up. In any case-I find other forms of abusive family members come "bearing open arms" when all they REALLY want is what they get from you financially, and these two took the cake. In the end I got a letter from the biological mother telling ME I needed counselling and I was hurting HER daughter (the nutjob) and to leave her and HER daughter alone (how's that for an emotional punch in the face!?)..so I've decided to do just that..NEVER have anything to do with them again (and the next time I'm needed (to take in a child or lend money when someone croaks) I will also be hanging up. I have also seen a counsellor, read the book "Toxic Parents" (a GODSEND) and listen every night to subliminal recordings on how to let go of the past. Plus I excercise regularly now and keep busy. I find an idol mind will also help you get sucked back into Toxic peoples lifes, if you keep yourself busy as heck it can only help your own life and the pain disappears much faster too.

My sister-in-law (SIL) is a very TOXIC person. Although initially she comes off as very nice and very kind and always smiling, SIL is a very calculating and very cruel person. SIL is my husband's older sister, and 15 years older than I. SIL has never married and has never had children. However, SIL is the expert on everything and everyone.

Over the years I have tolerated SIL because she was the older sister in my husband's family. SIL is 11 years older than my husband. In the past I was able to handle the situation because we always lived a long distance away from my husband's family. However a few years ago, we moved closer. Consequently I have become subjected to SIL's constant verbal abuse on a regular basis. The last two years I feel that I am definitely in her cross hairs.

Recently my daughter was married. Before the wedding, the bridesmaids held a shower in my daughter's honor. It was lovely. However, while my daughter was opening her gifts and showing them around the room, SIL began to make negative comments on the merit of each gift in a loud manner. We were embarrassed because the people who gave the gifts in question were sitting there and listening to those comments.

I suspect SIL reacted to the gifts with negative comments because she was not QUEEN FOR A DAY.

There were five bridesmaids attending my daughter at her wedding. One was seven months pregnant and another is 5"11" tall. All the ladies are very dear friends of my daughter. After the wedding, SIL began to comment to my daughter, me and anyone else that "the wedding party looked terrible because the pregnant one should never have been allowed in the wedding. And the tall one looked like an amazon." SIL could not understand why I would allow something like that to happen.

The comments about those bridesmaids have now become nonstop because we showed discomfort to SIL's comments and became defensive.

In addition to being nonstop verbally abusive, SIL is very calculating and very manipulative. She will go to one family unit after the other, gathering personal information about each person. SIL will also bait each person into telling her details of unkind gossip about different family individuals. SIL will then go to the other family units and repeat this gossip and always with her twist. Consequently, there have been many feuds and hurt feelings nurtured along by SIL.

Now I have reached my limit with SIL. I am livid.

I have decided enough is enough, and I am now going on the offensive. I am going to become as calculating as SIL. I am going to nail her good!

I am preparing myself for war with the bitch! No one else in the family will stand up to NSIL, so I will go it alone. My husband doesn't get it. He thinks I should just ignore her. He doesn't hear all the verbal abuse SIL hands out to me. He thinks my skin is too thin. However, she backs off whenever he barks at her. My husband will become upset with me if I agressively and verbally confront SIL.

So..... I will beat her at her own game. I have begun by going to some of the other family units and pointing out how SIL is so calculating and verbally abusive. She constantly spreads malicious gossip about unsuspecting family members. I am showing them how manipulative she is.

I am also preparing a list of questions for SIL whenever she starts her verbal abuse in my presence. Since I cannot confront SIL with accusations, I will publicly and privately "QUESTION" her. Check the following:
* What did you say?
Oh, that's what I thought you said.
* What's your point?
* What are trying to say?
* What are you getting at?
* Why are you telling me this?
* What do you mean by saying that?

* Are you aware of how critical of how you sound?
* Do you enjoy putting me (or others) down?
* Do you enjoy trying to make people feel bad?
* Why do you say things like that?
* What are you thinking?
* That was a terrible thing to say.

* Do you know you come across as a bully?
* Why do you enjoy belittling people?
* Are you mean-spirited, or just ignorant?
* Are you trying to be rude, or are you just insensitive?
* Your manners aren't half bad. They're all bad.
* I'm not listening to this anymore. You have gone too far.

I am livid. I am now ready to be the aggressor in this war. When I get to the point where I have obsessed this much over SIL that I am practicing things to say, everyone better get out of my way. I'm going to step on the flea.

I don't blame you one bit! But there is no glory in demolishing a flea-nasty blood-suckers spring out of the way, just in the nick of time, always. You are interacting with a very hostile passive-aggressive, and they always win in open conflict. The calm-questioning technique is valuable in exposing passive-aggressives and dissuading them from continuing conflict, but I feel it just drives them into more deviousness, underground, so to speak. Just disengage completely-take yourself out of the situation. Politely excuse yourself from any group she enters, people will get the message eventually. fighting someone like that just enmeshes you, kinda' like fighting with "Tarbaby" (from the Uncle Remus-Tales of the South) story you just get covered with tar, yourself. Believe me, I know, I just pulled my hands (mouth) away from a Tarbaby, myself! CHIN UP! Take the high road-it will all work out in the end. Sakura

I just got out of a relationship that seemed to always take so much work. It drained me all of the time because I felt hurt all of the time. This person was manipulative in such suttle ways. I loved him and opened myself up with honesty, but I realized this person could never own up to himself. Instead he would put the pain on me by demeaning, ordering, blaming, lying, controling...the list goes on. The confusing part is that he put good into the relationship as well, but what I realized is that it was all an act. They put the good in there (just enough) to keep you wanting them, so they can suck every bit of life out of you. I wanted so bad for the relationship to work, but I found myself constantly trying to change him. I don't know if therapy helps with these people, but I do know that it is our own responsibility to be good to ourselves. I'm no longer with this person and I'd rather have someone treat me with respect.

I have 2 older toxic sisters. One who always acted like the caring mentor, but then would turn around and say cruel things behind my back. The other, jealous, manipulating and overweight, she would physically attack me, hold me to the ground and spit in my face when I was a child. Now she resorts to trying to be witty and verbally abuse me. Always turning things around on me and making it seem like my fault and that I'm a bad person. The other sister tries to act like she wants me to be successful, but then will go to my other sister and even my fiance's mother and say horrible things behind my back. The two have become allies against me. The both want to be in my profession but lack the confidence and physical abilities to do so. They resent me for my success and that I actually went for it when they were too afraid. Sometimes I hate that I came out taller, thinner and more attractive than them because all it's brought me is pain, jealousy and hate. It really hurts me and takes a toll on my mental well-being. Why can't they just be happy for me? All I've ever wanted is to see my sisters at peace and to stop this quarreling. But I can't take it anymore. How can I get this pain out of my life?

I have been married for 24 years to a toxic husband. I knew all along that something wasn't right with him, but it is only in the last year that I have faced the truth, that he is a moral narciccist. I am constantly attacked, ridiculed, put-down, and devalued. He controls every dime of money and I have no choice in anything. Sometimes he picks out one of his employees to pick on, giving me a temporary rest. I hate for him to do this. I want to get out, but I have never worked because he wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom. I wish I knew where to go to get a job where I could support myself. I have a 5, 9, and 11 year old at home. I'm afraid he will begin attacking them if I leave. He attacks them if I stand up to him. How on earth could I support 3 kids and myself? Maybe he'll kick the bucket someday!

Toxic people are everywhere. I have a toxic mother and went on to create friendships with females that were also toxic. I believe toxic people are selfish. They don't know what real love is. Love should really be unconditional, but there are too many people who will only love on their terms. For example; How many friends dissappear when you get married. Their pissed, they want you lonely and miserable like them. How many people try to put down any successes that you have or creative accomplishments. They love to go on and on about how great they are and you listen and say that's awesome, really meaning it for them, but when you tell them the good news one day about an event in your life their face hits the floor, their eyes squint with hate and they try to undermine your happiness. Thank God I have my husband and he has me, cause so many people are toxic! If you can find one true friend you are rich. Even Jesus disciples betrayed him. You must be alone first to find yourself and respect yourself instead of letting the VAMPIRES suck you dry, and they will suck you dry. At the same time you must forgive them. Move on with your life but dont hate them, as much as the vampires have hurt and dissapointed there is freedom in forgiveness, and they just dont know any better, and if they do, God help them cause they must be in some deep pain and they to get real with them selves. Dont try to to give these people advice though they already think they know everything, just be honest and say, "goodluck, my friend, but the road I am now traveling is of spiritual enlightenmant and pure bliss, and must shed myself of all negative energies." There doesnt need to be further conversation and energy draining on the matter, it is what it is. God bless, and I am out of here. Right?

Mr.Reeves,

YOU ARE...my brother Bruce.
The firstborn of five children.
Born to an older father, who was...
A perfectionist,
intellect,
musician,
computer genius,
brillant,
angry,
overbearing,
detached,
competitive,
cruel,
verbally abusive,
manipulative,
controlling,
bitter man.

My brother spent years, like a little puppy at his knee,wagging his tail, only to be kicked accross the room... over and over again.

What a strange connection my brother felt for that ungrateful man... When my father died, Bruce went to his room and took all of his T shirts, socks, underwear and his wedding ring.
Why? Maybe you could explain.

At 43, he is divorced, empty and angry.I wish you could meet him...talk to him....allow him to talk about his feelings....
To this day, with a smile and a wince of pain in his eyes, Bruce will, in a loud and jovial tone declare,
"Dad??? Boy, he was a great guy!"

I have to face the hard fact that the two most toxic people in my life are my sister and my adult daughter. These two have always been close and even as a child my daughter told me her aunt told her that I wasn't "stable" and she shouldn't listen to me. The reason being I must have be unstable because I left a bad marriage and found a decent kind husband. She's been married 28 years to a man who doesn't work and spends her money like it grows on trees and she's miserable. But, I got divorced and I'm unstable. My adult daughter gets right in my face and screams at the top of her voice, that I am a lousey mother when I refuse to give her any money. She's never kept a job for longer than one year. She's shoved me against walls, pushed me down, threatened to kill me, held me by the neck and demand that I stop trying to get away and listen to her tirade on how she knows I don't want her around, but there's nothing I can do about it so I'd better get use to her being there whenever she wants to come over. She doesn't live with me, but I still feel afraid because she may come over in the middle of the night. I can't even risk trying to push her away. She'll call the police and tell them I tried to hurt her. I know I'd go to jail. She has done this for the last 19 years. She twice did it in front of her younger sister who kept shouting don't kill mom. My daughter has stood out on the front lawn shrieking and screaming at me more than once. She calms down long enough to make some cell phone calls and then starts up again. Once a policeman told her to stop yelling at her mother in the resturant. He told her to go outside and calm down. She stopped immediately, but started up again as soon as we left the resturant. When I told my sister what goes on she said she doesn't believe me. Then immediately sides with my daughter reminding her that I'm unstable. My sister has always been the kind of person who breaks all the rules and then points the finger at someone else and says they're to blame, not her. People believe her and she's gets off scott free and someone else gets in trouble. She use to do things at home and blame me. My parents always believed her even when it was obvious who was guilty. I'm glad I found this site. I thought I was all alone and always felt guilty for not liking my sister and my own daughter. I did try to give my daughter a good life. It wasn't always financially stable, but she was always with me or her father (who loved her). I need to break ties with these two people, but why do I feel guilty doing it?

I have read all this with great interest.I am married to a very toxic person who has a perfect exterior yet who is insensitive,domineering,he twists my words and shouts me down.We are both teachers in our own language school yet he control s everything .We sleep in separate rooms.He won't leave because he says we have been married 25 years and he house is as much his as mine ,so I bought him a house out of the money my parents left me .he has never remembered a birthday,an anniversary,and I am the one who cleans the house prepares all the food .He drains me, but I must always dry my eyes and go to work in spite of it.I overeat,my nails are bitten ,his coldness and robotic behaviour is killing me.What could I do to start to persuade him to go?I dont want the children (21 24 and 16) to be anyway affected ,they actually love him)Thank you to everyone on this site

I had a string of toxic boyfriends. The final relationship ended 2 yrs. ago when I was 23 and my boyfriend choked me until I passed out. I had been trying to leave him for a long time but he kept pulling me back, threatening to kill himself. Finally I have learned to, at all costs, protect myself. I moved away and have taken control of my life, or so I thought.
Why was I in these relationships in the first place? Like everyone here, I grew up with a toxic family. My father is depressive and controlling, and my sister soon followed. I left home when I was fifteen because my sister physically and mentally abused me too often, and my mother facilitated this by constantly making excuses for her. My mother continued to make excuses for my sister, even when she (who is 2 yrs. older than me) was married and going to law school. My mother lived with my sister, did her laundry, cooked, and chauffered her around.
Numerous times the police were called due to fighting (on my sisters behalf), and both my mother and brother in law have suffered bruises and broken bones due to my sister's violence.
Eight months ago my mother asked to come live with me (on the other side of the country) because she had no place else to go. While I was not in favor of this, I agreed to it because I wanted to help her escape my sister.
Now I have discovered that my mother has been helping my sister find an apartment so that she can come live in this town!
I am so mad at my mother. I tried to help her despite the fact that she never protected me, and often tried to convince me that I somehow "asked for" the fights, or that my sister only hit me because I never showed her enough love.
My mother had become toxic as well, and I think it's probably safer for me to just let my sister ruin the two of their lives alone, and not mine as well.

Thank you all so much for posting your toxic relationships. They have helped me realize I'm not alone with my toxic relationship. I come from a large family and one of my sisters is definitely toxic. I spoke with my awesome therapist about our relationship and she advised that you have to break all ties and get the toxic person out of your life. My sister talks loudly and excessively to the point where if you try to get a word in edgewise she'll speak louder. My therapist said that people who do this can not stand themselves and are trying to undo the person their speaking with. She is always trying to "keep up with the Jones" and always trys to out-do everyone. She is extremely jealous of anyone who has more, is better looking, more intelligent, etc... She has a constant need to be center of attention. I am planning an 80th birthday party for our Mother (working on it for two months) and she emailed my siblings and me to say that my plans are "lame" and she's not flying 3000 miles for a "lame" party. She then booked a restaurant (way more $$...I was trying to keep it less $ for my sisters and brothers who are struggling financially) and cut the invitation list in half and told everyone they have to pay for it. (my mother is a pushover and goes along with whatever she says to keep the peace, and meanwhile she's the one whose always given my mother alot of problems...telling her she was a horrible mother, etc..) My therapist explained that I was organizing the party from love and my sister is arranging it from power. She also explained that my sister has no integrity and doesn't know the definition of integrity. She's also a disruptor who constantly causes drama in our family. She intrudes on other peoples lives and she is dishonorable. I feel alot of my sisters motivation comes from jealousy due to the fact that I am wealthier, I have an incredible adventurous life, and a great husband. She has an alcoholic husband and was fired from her job. She has for years gotten sympathy from us for having chronic fatigue syndrome. Which we all suspect she never had. (she was going through menopause!) My brother says she's the healthiest sick person he's ever seen. I now know that I have to surround myself with people who love me and I love and do not intrude on my live.

I have a friend of many years (older than me) who I have come to realise over the past few years, is probably a toxic person. Although she prides herself on being this caring mother figure, and perfect person, who is always so nice. I have been carefully warned by her that certain people have said things about me, even her husband. She mentions a couple of times a year, that my husband thought this one girl, was so beautiful, even if in reality we have been married a very long time and her husband was the one who pointed this woman out to my husband.(She has done this since we got married). She has even phoned me with things someone said about my son. If you don't conform to her way, you get this disapproving look. She loves to create a drama about something that has nothing to do with her and then will phone you with little understanding of what she is creating a fuss about and then, if you try and set the story straight, she just keeps on with her view and does not listen. In the past I used to make delicious desserts, but her answer was always, oh, we don't eat sweet things, I don't have a sweet tooth. When I have taken desserts to her house, as asked to by her, she doesn't give the dessert to guests, or doesn't dish up the dessert.I get nervous around her, as I constantly feel she is disapproving and critical of me.She is always telling me how small her wrists and ankles are, and what a good businesswoman she is. The interesting thing is, she never says these things in front of my husband or hers? Am I imagining things, or is this person toxic? Let me know your thoughts, it would be a big help.

I'm grateful to have found this web-site! I finally come to the realization that I will have to end a relationship with a seriously toxic person in my life (my sister). Yesterday, Easter Sunday I had to work and was unable to go to my Mother's for Easter dinner but my fiance and daughter attended without me. I knew my sister would be there but was hoping she would behave, but, it wasn't to be unfortunately. I must offer some background info before i finish this post. My fiance who is a kind and gentle man has had a very difficult life (abuse and drug addiciton and he ahd also been to prison) this lovely man has paid for his past and has moved on to be a giving and generous man. Back to the story. my sister proceeded yesterday to grill my fiance about his past and how she doesn't trust him. She does this all under the guise of being concerned for my welfare. According to my daughter she also spent a good portion of the day running me down and also taking pot shots at my 19 year old. When I found out last evening after they returned from my mother's I was livid. You see this is not the first time my sister has tried to spread her poison around but it is the last time. Ironicaly i had asked this person to be my matron of honor at my upcoming wedding! For years I've turned the other cheek and tried to reason away the poison she spews but I'm done with it. All I want from her now is for her to stay away from and my family. After all he went through yeasterday and in his life it has been my fiance who has been trying to help to understand why my sister does what she does but I'm through with trying to be understanding. I no longer want to deal with her and her poisonous attitude.

Thanks for allowing me to have this opportunity to share my story.

Amazing... amazing how alike we all sound. Here's my story and the aftermath. I'm a HUGE advocate of getting these people out of one's life.

My toxic relationship has always been my sister. My whole life, she has been a master of manipulation, using every trick in the book - from talking about our mother and me behind our backs, to vicious, rude, self-righteous verbal assaults, to weepy 'poor me' pleas for us to do what she wants.

When I got married and my husband and I arranged the holidays to our satisfaction, my sister accused me of allowing my in-laws to manipulate me, because they weren't how she wanted. When I was pregnant with my son, at a Thanksgiving dinner she shouted to the whole room about how much pregnant women fart so everyone better watch out for me; one Easter my Mom worked hard to host a lovely dinner, and my sister had such a foul mouth I had to comment on it, at which she screamed every obscenity she knew at the top of her lungs, and made my Mom cry.

At my baby shower she was nice to me, but constantly snipped at everything my mother said; she's insulted my husband at several holiday dinners because he doesn't keep the house and yard to her satisfaction; one time at lunch, she requested a special dish that wasn't on the menu and then complained it took a long time to get to us because 'those people in the kitchen' probably didn't speak English.

The final straw came when she was angry with our Mom because she didn't like Mom's boyfriend and wanted her to break up with him. When Mom refused, my sister told her she would tell MY SON what a bad mother she was, so that he wouldn't like her and wouldn't want a relationship with her growing up.

When I finally found out about this, you could see the mushroom cloud several states away.

I've hardly spoken to her for the past year and half, even though she lives less than 5 miles from me. Frankly, it's been the best time ever. I never get nervous before family gatherings (to which she is never invited) and really enjoy my life so much more.

Occasionally I get an email from her after she realizes I didn't invite her to my latest family-other-than-sister dinner or gathering, saying how hurt and confused she is, how disappointed, and how I should remember I'm not perfect either.

In the past I've merely stated I was still angry with her, but I think this time (I just got another one) I'll just tell her flat-out that I found our relationship was always toxic and I don't want to return to it