There are lot of things that make parenting harder these days...parents that let their children dress like hookers and pimps, cellphones targeted at toddlers, CHILDRENS! PROGRAMMING! ON! TV! 24! HOURS! A! DAY!
But I've found one thing that's actually made my life kind of easier in this world as a parent when dealing with my sly little ones. Cellphone ringtones. See, my kids know about Santa Claus. We've told them that Santa's all-knowing. We've told them that Santa's all-seeing. We've told them that Santa has a round-the-clock surveillance system Dick Cheny has killed to try and get his hands on, and more importantly, Santa is in constant communication with all parents all the time.
And this is where cellphone ringtones come in handy. If I think my children are being very bad and they're not respecting my authority oooo, look, it's the special Santa ringtone coming out of my phone! "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." The look of sheer terror and wonder that song on my phone can evoke is nothing short of beautiful.
Which is where the other tip comes in. I told my daughter a while ago that every time she lies, one of Santa's elves dies, and that Santa knows whose lie killed the elf.
"Who had the toy first?"
"I did!"
"No! I did!"
"I promise daddy, I had it first. I'm not lying"
"No I had it first! She's lying!"
*after a few minutes of this*
"He sees you when you're sleeping...he knows when you're awake...."
"Hello Santa! How...oh my god! How many elves are dead???? Oh my. That is a lot. Oh...I think I should sit down..."
"Daddy, Owen had the toy first. I was lying."
"Daddy, I hit her first, I was lying."
Yes sir...works every time.
You should use both of these tips in your house. You'll be amazed by the power and terror you wield with these two simple techniques. You'll wonder how you ever got by without them before.
