August 2003 Archives

A story came across the newswires about a man that was forced to rob a bank.

How can you force someone to rob a bank, you ask. 46-year-old Brian Douglas Wells, a pizza delivery guy, went to a remote location outside of his home town of Erie, PA to deliver a pizza, and showed up an hour later at the local PNC bank with a "sophisticated" bomb strapped around his neck and a note demanding money. He successfully got out of the bank with the loot, but was stopped soon after by the State Police. Once stopped, he pleaded with the police that they had to remove the bomb because it was going to go off soon. He then told them his story: of going to deliver the pizza, being forced to wear the bomb, and rob the bank. The police listened, but did not remove the bomb, and it exploded, killing him.

For the last 8 weeks I've been following the Artist's Way and faithfully waking up each morning to do the morning pages and the other exercises in the book to help me explore and renew my creativity. The program truly works, and it's the best thing I've done (and I've done it several times)...

But as was always the case I started to sputter out and run out of steam in doing the work, sleeping in later, and not doing the exercises, and I couldn't quite figure out why until I realized that as I get deeper and deeper into the exercises I'm forced to confront my own issues, and to deal with things going on in my own life that I haven't been dealing with. The process forces me to be honest with myself or it just doesn't work, and I was scared. Some part of me was frightened to be going down this road and it was easier to fail at something I loved and cherished than face down my own fears.

Specifically, I have a hard time delaying gratification. If there's something I want, I have a hard time being told that I have to wait, and instead of actually waiting for it, or working towards it I often try and bargain my way into having it now. I recognized that that trait plays the most signifigant part in why I've racked up so much debt, and why we spend a lot more money than I would really like. It's also probably a good deal of the reason why I'm overweight.

So this morning I recommitted myself to doing the morning pages and the Artist's Way so I can face these issues and clear them up. If I can't be honest about myself, and my faults, then I can't grow, and the issues that seem to hang me up now will demonize me forever, and that's just something I can't accept, no matter how scary it is to confront.

The movie industry has announced that their own inability to make a decent movie is not to blame for declining movie revenues at the theatres. It's the fault of people with cellphones texting their friends telling them the movie sucks!

This is like blaming the butler because he brought you out a shitty meal instead of the cook in the kitchen.

Honestly, if the movie industry was not intent on trying to make us suffer through such shlock like 'Gigli', 'T3', 'The Hulk', '2 Fast 2 Furious', and 'Freaky Friday' and actually gave us something worth watching, their revenues would increase.

That would seem to be common sense, but when have you heard about the MPAA acting with common sense lately?

What scares me even worse is that this will add weight to the people saying that they should ban all cellphones from theatres, and put shielding in the walls of theatres to block cellphone signals. I'm not saying I like to gab in the theatre while a movie is playing, but as a parent, I'd like to be able to get a phone call from the babysitter if something happens.

Honestly, if free speech and word of mouth are such a detriment to your sales because people hear how badly your product sucks then MAKE A BETTER PRODUCT!

Honestly, can you imagine if Ford went around in the early 80's and said "If people would stop telling each other that their Pinto's exploded when tapped from behind, we wouldn't have any trouble selling them!"

I went on a mission to try and find Star Wars on VHS at all of my local retailers. I didn't try the biggest retailer of them all since going there just skeeves me out. Even so, I'll probably head there after dinner.

I realized while I was out hunting that I feel like I did right after I broke up with Holly. The biggest differences though were that when I left Holly I was finally free after a long time in the darkness of hell, and I could spend time improving myself. I was also completely alone, and able to do whatever I wanted. I was still racked by total lonliness, but it felt like growing pains.

This time, I'm not alone, I'm just apart from Heather and my friends, because Heather's in the hospital, and my friends are scattered to the four winds. Driving 4 hours a day to and from work also cuts into whatever time I would have left to spend with them. And the lonliness feels like I'm missing a limb, or motive power. I feel adrift and isolated.

I realized, driving home from the hospital, having spent 3 hours with Heather that I'm terribly lonely. Heather's been the rock I've relied on while I've been commuting to Philly everyday, and with her now in the hospital I come home to no one to talk to...my best friend gone.

I can't imagine what I would do if Heather left for good. I really appreciate her presence in my life. She's been magical.

Running around like a madman the last couple of days. Heather's in the hospital still, so I'm taking care of everything in the house, and shuttling McKenna to my mom's in the morning before I drive to work, so my recreational computer time has been practically nil. I was hoping Saturday I'd have more time to work on my two article proposals, and some other things I've been considering but I don't think that's going to happen either. Despite the fact that I have an extra 12 hours in the day I wouldn't normally have because I'm working it's packed full with grocery shopping, getting a new driver's license (woo!), and paying the bills.

*sigh*

On the plus side, Debbie's been a big help so far in taking care of McKenna and keeping the house running relatively smoothly. McKenna's also adapted fairly well to not having her mommy around.

I was just holding McKenna and realized what thick hair she was. What a beautiful child she is.

I'm back from the hospital, but Heather is still there, probably admitted for the remainder of her pregnancy, which could be 1 - 4 weeks, depending on how she does. They said she might maybe possibly get to come home before she gives birth but probably only if the Devil's wearing ear muffs and Beelzebub's tobagonning down the icy slopes of Hell.

Owen is apparently alright so far, though they can't regulate Heather's blood pressure, and she still can't feel him move, so they're worried.

We'll take it one day at a time, and see what happens.

Now of course, my attention turns to what to do about McKenna. Who will watch her now that Heather's in the hospital? Playpen at my desk anyone?

Stayed home this morning because Heather can't feel Owen moving, and he's at 30 weeks. Heather told me that she's been aware of this for 48 hours now, which is a lot longer than it should have been without telling anyone, so I'm super-stressed now.

I'm getting ready to take her to the hospital right now.

*sigh* This is what it means to have a high-risk pregnancy.

As those of you who know me are aware, I'm quite heavy, much heavier than I should be for my health. As such, I'm starting to experience some of the consequences of carrying around the extra weight:

• Sleep Apnea


• Acid Reflux


• Aching Knees


• Aching Back

I've so far avoided diabetes, though I can't imagine it's not too far off. But worse than that, because of the apnea, I'm having panic attacks and seizures at night. I stop breathing, my brain panics, I have a panic attack, and sometimes they turn into seizures, which are the scariest thing I've ever had to experience. Just the act of recalling one while I'm writing this fills me with fear. I've been exercising about 3 times a week, but I'm afraid it's not enough. I'm hoping that by discussing my weight loss on this website and talking to people about it, I'll feel more motivated to lose weight.

Without a goal, or partners to help you, it's very hard to continue to feel motivated, especially when you've plateaued. Additionally, I need to get my wife on board, and I need her help to succeed. Currently, Heather's dietary habits completely counter everything I'm trying to accomplish, especially considering that she's pregnant. Right now, ice cream is the largest single import into Motopia...

In addition, I'm working on an article for Men's Health, putting together the proposal, and sending it to them so I can discuss my own view on being fat, what it's meant for me, and where I'd like to go. I hope that this additional step will motivate me even further.

Recently, Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that New York City will indicting begin indicting the DNA of unknown sexual offenders to circumvent the statute of limitations on these crimes.

Typically, a crime has a statute of limitations of about 10-20 years, and if in that time, the criminal is not caught, the authorities are not able to charge the guilty party with that crime. However, if the criminal is known, and they have enough evidence to get an indictment, it stands forever until the criminal is officially brought in and tried in a court of law. This way, if the criminal leaves the country, they can still charge him later for that crime, as long as he's already been indicted. The statute of limitations is in place for several reasons: people do crazy things when they’re young, and it shouldn’t be possible to convict them in their 50’s for something they did in their 20’s. Furthermore, it makes sure that a crime is prosecuted when the evidence is available and in good condition.
So here's the goofy thing.

Instead of indicting the actual person, New York City will now indict your DNA profile. Now, the dictionary defines an indictment as a formal written statement framed by a prosecuting authority and found by a jury (as a grand jury) charging a person with an offense (source www.m-w.com). A person. The target of an indictment might be a company, though it is most often a person. So how can your DNA be indicted? DNA is not a person, it’s part of who makes you what you are, but you’re more than just your DNA. A dead person is a pile of DNA, but they’re not committing acts of murder. Hair clippings on the floor at your barbershop are DNA, but it’s not involved in criminal activities. DNA didn't commit the offense, the person did. Indicting DNA is like indicting the car driven in a hit-and-run, or the gun used in the murder.

IT MAKES NO SENSE.

But the lunacy of indicting DNA is no the only problem. This raises a whole set of issues: If you’re the actor in a crime, and your DNA gets indicted, could your children be help culpable for your crime? How specific does the DNA match have to be? What if you were at the scene of the crime, but had nothing to do with it, and your DNA's all over the place? Say you've got an incessant drooling problem, and you drip like a Great Dane everywhere you go. If you drip your saliva all over a crime scene, are you going to get put in jail?

How far does this go? Has anyone thought this through?

Honestly, if DNA can be indicted, and otherwise treated as a human, does this suddenly mean a fetus can be declared a person? Or can anything be indicted: my cats, my lamp, my computer?

If the voters of New York really view the statute of limitations as such an onerous burden, they should do away with it, rather than this murky and frightening end-run around the law. Even if the intentions of the city are good, the execution of this law leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Today's my birthday! I got a really nice desk chair from Heather to replace the wooden kitchen chair I was using. It swivels, has wheels, and the height adjusts, so it's really swanky. Next on my list is a real desk instead of the Ikea antique I'm using now.

I got to exercise yesterday which was fantastic. I felt much better having done that, and I slept much better. My weight loss goal is to hit 280 pounds by December 1st. I'm at 335 pounds today.

There were no arguments yesterday at my house either, so it was peaceful, and quiet, and I got to lay down with Heather and do some cryptiques after we put McKenna to bed.

I hope the rain holds off and I can go exercise again tonight.

Got into another terrible row with my mother-in-law on Monday night. Debbie has this need to watch TV, all the time. And I do mean all the time. Get up in the morning, it's the first thing that goes on, even before the light switch. She falls asleep listening to the TV. When she eats, when she sits in the tub, hell, even when she works, she watches a little TV at her desk with headphones on.

This is an addiction!

So, on the flip side you have my daughter McKenna that we're trying to raise with a minimum of TV. I don't like TV, neither does my wife, and we don't want to raise a child dependent, addicted on TV.

Well, Monday night, I was busy working, and writing, and keeping half an eye on the Hall of Fame exhibition game between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Green Bay Packers that I had on quietly. (Despite my distate for TV, I will watch me some football.) My wife, her mother, and my 10-month old daughter were in the bedroom watching Ms. Winterbourne.

The time came for McKenna to go to bed, and I gave her a bath and got her ready for bed, and I was getting ready to read to her and asked Debbie to turn off the TV. The time before McKenna goes to bed is the time we turn the TV off. She argued with me. She threw a temper tantrum saying it wasn't fair, and the TV doesn't overstimulate McKenna, and she can learn to fall asleep with the TV on.

Now mind you, I wasn't asking for the end of TV forever. I wanted it off for 30 minutes to an hour in the bedroom, and I told Debbie that if she wanted, she could go to the living room and watch TV there, but she continued to throw a tantrum like a 3 year old.

Finally I blew my top, yelled at Debbie, gave McKenna to Heather, stormed back into the living room, threw McKenna's books against the wall, grabbed my keys and left the house. I was flaming mad, and I didn't want to really blow up in front of McKenna.

So I drove around the block for 5 minutes listening to Eminem, and just regaining my composure. When I finally returned cooled down, Debbie had her ass planted on the couch watching Mrs. Winterbourne and zoned out to the world. I put McKenna to bed, told her I loved her and went to bed myself.

A new day dawns, I get up and Debbie's already at work. I go to work, return home, and make a determination that I will talk to Debbie, and apologize for my actions, but explain why I acted the way I did.

When I tried, all she would say was "I was right, and you never leave angry. You drove away, and you don't do that. That's not right, and McKenna CAN learn to live with the TV on. I was right, and you were wrong." Before I blew up, I walked away and just sat in the living room. I realized, I'm the hired help, not the husband.

Whenever, WHENEVER I ask for anything to be done in the house, it's a constant battle. No matter what I ask for, especially from Debbie, but often from Heather too, it's an argument, over and over again. I'm made to feel that no matter what I ask for, it's too much, it's an imposition. I finally sat down with Heather and talked it over with her, told her how I was feeling, and saying "I'm not getting the support I should be. When I ask for something, as the father of McKenna, your husband, and the man who pays the lease on this apartment, when I speak, I should at least be heard, and treated as an adult, but whenever I speak, I get dismissed, and you don't back me up. I'm tired of it." Heather agreed, and said that she would talk to her mother. She spent an hour trying to explain to her mother what was going on, but Debbie refuses to budge. According to Debbie, she did nothing wrong, and she continues to do nothing wrong, and she will not listen to me when I ask for something. Furthermore, she said she won't talk to me about the argument Monday night because "talking about things only makes them worse!" *sigh*

So despite my efforts to talk to her as an adult, and Heather's attempts to intervene, nothing's changed. I continue to be the hired help, there to feed, change, and bath McKenna, and I get no say about the raising of McKenna, or the house I live in.

I can't wait until I move. Right now I'm spending 4 hours a day in the car commuting from Harrisburg to Philadelphia, back and forth, day after day down the PA Turnpike.

I figured it out: it costs me $400+ a month to commute, which sucks because it's still less than it would have cost for me to find a cheap place to live in this area during the week.

Once Heather has Owen, and everybody's settled, we're moving East!

We'll have more space, we'll have more money, I won't have to argue with my mother-in-law as much, I'll have more time. At this point I'm equating moving with winning the lottery, being granted eternal life, winning the Nobel Prize for Literature, and waking up thin. But better...

I can't wait...

Now I lay me down to sleep
- on this unkempt bed with sheets astray
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
- or keep these dreams beyond my head
And if I die before I wake
- like I do so often when I dream
I pray the Lord my soul to take
- whoever thought the dead could scream?

I'm still struggling with my weight loss. Some days feel much better than others, but the weight never seems to stay off.


I drove to Adams Ricci Park in East Pennsboro and did the Marine Daily 16. I like the exercises and they are easy enough to do every day, but hard enough that I lose weight.


The weekends are hardest for me to keep the weight off, and I'm glad I got this opportunity. I had to send McKenna with Heather and her mom grocery shopping so I could do it, but it was worth it.


I hope that next weekend I may be able to go to hike up to the top of Pole's Steeple and take some pictures. I feel guilty leaving Heather behind when we have so little time together as it is, but for my own continued health and longevity, I need to lose weight. Simple as that.


Weight as of today: 340 lbs.

I'd been leeching off of Scott Manning for a while to get some content up, and I'm grateful for his hospitality, but it's time to jump off on my own. He suggested, I listened, and I'm glad I did.

This has been a long-time coming. I'm constantly reading a news entry, or a website, and thinking "oooo, that makes me so mad" or "what a crock" and I want to respond, but I know that even if I write an eloquent letter, odds are slim to none that anyone else will read it.

This is my chance to beat back at all of insanity out there.

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness...