November 2003 Archives

I'm the A-number-1 target for Madison Ave. when it comes to advertising. A good ad can bring a tear to my eye quicker than anything else. Maybe it's just because I'm a daddy now, but the AT&T commercial with the father on the business trip, staying in the tiny little hotel, going through all of the insanity of the airport, and finally sitting alone at the airport waiting for his delayed plane to take him presumably home, and magically his daughter is sitting next to him in the airport, and all of the stress of the trip is gone. All of his sadness and lonliness has vanished.

"Hi sweetheart!"
"Hi daddy!"
"What did you do today"
"I played soccer"

For me, when I get home from work, and McKenna runs to the door smiling and shouting "dadadadadadada" there is no greater feeling in the world.

I know what that father's alienation feels like, even if it is only a commercial, and I know how much 5 minutes with your children can change everything in your day. It's still not going to make up for my frustrations with AT&T (I'm already a customer, or tell people they need to switch), but I like their ads.

So, onto a similar note, I really like the new Pepsi ads.

Specifically, the Wiener World ad. Right in line with alienation and lonliness, I see the young girl dressed as a giant wiener trying to hand out fliers for her summer job and people ignore her, mock her, and laugh at her. She's heart-broken until a boy on the next street dressed as a giant Pepsi sees the beautiful girl inside inside that harmony and joy is restored.

Again, it tugs at my heart.

Alright, I'm a big softie. Sue me.

I think the most frustrating thing about this whole affair with the seizures is the matter of the medication because taking the Topamax doesn't really SOLVE anything, it really only addresses the "what" instead of the "why". A really close second is the trying to figure why the seizures are happening the first place. The whole procss smacks of taking your car to the mechanic and saying "My car stalls when I idle at red lights" and your mechanic, an arguably smart man looks at you says "Alright, tell me, have you recently hit any deer?" "No." "Hmmm, that's important. Good good. Okay. Have you recently driven to Denver?" "Uhm, no." Excellent. Now, if I take out your keys, will your car still run?" "Uhm...No?" "Good! What I want you to do is put this diagnostic fuel in for three weeks and drive around for a while, and then come back and tell me if you notice anything different."

It's really like throwing darts in the dark. I give all credit and respect to my neurologist, but at this point, I'm ready to start going to a therapist and accupuncturist. I think I'm going to get more mileage and more help from them.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance for a break that would make it okay there's always some reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction oh beautiful release memories seep from my veins let me be empty oh and weightless oh and maybe I'll find some peace tonight in the arms of an angel far away from here from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear you are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie you're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here

"Angel" - Sarah McLachlan

Heather held me through the night, and between that and the catharsis of crying and praying last night I had a blessed night of sleep last night. I truly felt like like I was wrapped in the wings of an angel when she put her arms around me and I drifted asleep.

As we lay in bed, I told her what I was thinking about on my way home, and what had made me cry, how I was worried that one night I might die, or fall into a coma and never wake up and never see my children again, and how scared I was. I started sobbing again, lying there in the dark, curled up against her. Heather pulled me close and kissed the top of my head and rubbed my shoulder.

"I don't just want to be a memory Heather. I want to be at my daughter's wedding. I want to be at her graduation. I want to be a grandfather. I don't just want to be a tombstone." I cried some more, and just lay there for a while.

In her room, McKenna rolled over slightly and cried for a second and then went back to sleep. Owen made some noises in his bed, and Heather and I just held each other for a long time. The next time I woke up, it was morning, and nothing bad had happened.

I talked with my doctor today and got back the results of my 4th EEG today. It came back normal, like the 3 before it, which has prompted them to ask for a 24 ambulatory EEG, which means I go the doctor's office, and I get hooked up and then I spend the whole day hooked up to this machine, including while I'm at work, walking around, and it records my brainwaves.

Like I said, I feel vaugely like a voyeur peeking into my brain doing this kind of thing, dirty and invasive, but turned on all the same.

I drove home today balling, listening to REM, wondering what would would happen if I had a seizure tonight and I never woke up. What if I had a seizure and I died? Would McKenna remember me, or would I just end up being a dusty picture on a mantle and a faded memory? How well would Heather be able to tell her stories of who I was and what I did, and how much she meant to me? I think that's what's weighing on me the most. I don't know what's going to happen to me next, and it could be severe, and I could vanish into the haze of my own mind permanently, never to see my children ever again, or my wife, or my family or friends. I'm terrified, and I hate that this disease, this disorder that no one can pin down, much less diagnos or treat could steal so much from me.

It's not fair or right, and I won't let it happen. I won't.

I got my letter from PennDOT about my speeding ticket that I tried to fight.

I'm being awarded 4, count them, 4 points for "speeding".

Bah.

Bastards.

Just some more random thoughts:

• I wrote my article about Mosul being relatively quiet about and being a model for other cities. That's apparently no longer the case now that the money has run out and people are mad. Two soldiers were brutally murdered and savaged. My heart breaks for the men and more for their families. Especially this close to the holidays.
  "Dear Ma'am I regret to inform you that my stock options were not doing well, so I sent your husband into harms way, so that he may die for oil revenue. I hope you understand and have a blessed Thanksgiving. Sincerely, George W. Bush."


• To further show how much Bush is everyone's buddy, Bush is working pre-empt the State's power to determine its citizen's privacy rights and create a single federal standard which favors large companies like banks and other lenders which will use and sell your private information without your consent. Again, have a blessed and meaningful holiday season.


• But wait Johnny! There's MORE! George Bush and John Ashcroft have asked the counter-terrorism wing of the FBI to investigate anti-war protestors. George Bush of course claims to support freedom of speech, but only as long as that free speech speaks sunshine up his butt, like it does from Ann Coulter, or David Horowitz, or the other Neo-Con pundits that run around foaming at the mouth barely able to stop themselves from falling prostrate at the feet of the President while demanding that he be canonized.


• Oh shit, why stop there? Congress recently expanded the powers of the FBI, greatly expanded their powers, without any debate, or public oversight, by sneaking the new powers into some spending bills that were for intelligence spending. These expanded powers give the FBI the ability to get your phone and internet records without a judge's order or subponea, or your bank records, or many other records, and THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. You probably won't even know it happened. Welcome to George Bush's America. Have a nice day. Unreasonable seach and seizure? Do you have something to hide? Then why are you complaining?


• Oh, but I've saved the best for last...Bush signed a $401 billion Defense spending package into law today. If you heard much about it today at all, you heard it included a pay increase for soldiers and an increase for disability pay for some soldiers, which is great. What, our media failed to cover is that Bush authorized a return to nuclear weapons research after a 10 year break and a 17% spending increase in ballistic weapons defense. Why do I need to look overseas to have any oversight into what my own government is doing? Again, welcome, to George Bush's America.

Now I lay me down not to sleep
I just get tangled in the sheets
I swim in sweat three inches deep
I just lay back and claim defeat

- "Who Needs Sleep" Barenaked Ladies

Sleep has no longer become the refuge for me that it is for the rest of you.

Now, when I close my eyes and lay down in bed my brain short-circuits, crosses wires, and I end up spending more hours having seizures than sleeping. Tonight, I laid down and talked with Heather for a while. We enjoyed getting to just talk to each other. The babies were asleep and we had a chance to just talk.

Heather fell asleep soon after we started talking, so I read for a few minutes, and then turned out the lights and fell asleep right behind her. Lately I've been trying to lie as closely as I can to her and hold her when I fall asleep hoping that that will somehow make a difference in my night.

I woke up an hour later to have Heather standing over me with a bottle of Diet Pepsi in her hand.
"What's this for?"
"Your panic attack."
"What panic attack?"
"The one you just had."
"Are you serious?"
"I know when you have panic attacks."
"I know you do." I took a long draw from the bottle. "I just didn't think I had one."
"It was very mild."
"What happened?"
"You just started shaking, then it stops and you wake up and call my name."

Every night, every hour, on the hour, this is my sleep. Sometimes I don't get to call my wife's name, I end up thrashing on the floor trying to eat my own tounge.

So tonight, gentle reader, I'm here with you while my wife tries to catch some sleep uninterrupted by my sudden onset of epilepsy. This is all so goddamn unfair. Why do I have to have epilepsy? Nighttime seizures? Who dreams this shit up? I still haven't heard back about my EEG yet, and the next step is a 24-hour ambulatory EEG, where I wear the machine all day, to work, to bed, to the bathroom, everywhere. I'm going to wear that machine until they give me some sort of definitive answer.

So I was in the District Court yesterday arguing against my speeding ticket before District Justice Manlove. It was short. It was quick. I went in picturing myself Tom Cruise in 'A Few Good Men'. I came out feeling like Tom Arnold in 'McHale's Navy'.

Apparently, Officer Morrow writes a lot of tickets. Not only does he write a lot of tickets, but he was ready for me before I even walked in the door.

I arrived 5 minutes before the trial and the judge and the officer was standing outisde talking, waiting for me. It was a gorgeous day outside. I was wearing my nicest suit, glinting charcoal in the sun, with the light gray Italian silk tie my grandmother had brought me the last time she visited from Germany.

I walked in and announced myself to the receptionist and she directed me where to sit. I waited about a minute before the police officer came in. Already I could feel my insides jumping and lighting up, electric and almost, like yellow...

"Mr. Reeves?"
"Yes sir?" I stood.
"Can I speak with you a moment?"
"Absolutely sir."
"I took the liberty of reviewing my notes for a moment and I can cut you a deal. I can take away everything, but how about we cut it down to 2 points, and you pay about $100?"
"Hmm, well sir, I appreciate the offer sir, but I honestly don't believe I was speeding, and I'd like to take the opportunity to present my case."
"That's your choice."
"Yessir."
"Alright then."

And so we sat and waited for the judge to enter. Within minutes, Justice Manlove entered and we both rose again. The trial was underway. I planted both hands on the table in front of me to stop them from shaking. I was nervous. I get very nervous around people of authority, and I either become completely cowed or start swinging. I guess today I was bovine. MOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Every point I had, Officer Morrow was ready to counter. The man was a 300 pound legal ninja in a utility belt.

• "Your honor, according to Title 75 of the PA Code, it is illegal for the police to clock someone's speed within 500 feet of a speed limit sign indicating a decrease in speed."
  "I have here a laminated Engineer's report that shows that I was situated 1000 feet past the last speed limit sign."


• "The Commonwealth of PA requires an Accutrak system to be tested by a certified vendor every year that it's in use."
  
• "I have here a laminated certificate showing that the unit I used was tested one month before you were caught. I also have a copy of the license for the vendor from the Commenwealth authorizing them to test these units."

Eventually I felt defeated, deflated, and beaten. Obviously, since this man's written over 8600 tickets he knows what he's doing, I wasn't going to beat him, regardless of my legal fantasies.

I got into the stand, rambled for a few minutes, bascially begged the judged to let me go, got down off the stand just to hear him say "I find in favor of the State."

The day wasn't a total wash. It only cost me a few more dollars to try my hand at the court, and it was a fun experience, loss aside. I got to learn about myself.

Maybe next time, I'll be better....and hire a lawyer.

So David Horowitz, a big big giant prancing cheerleader for the Bush administration has been trying to push himself off onto us as a objective journalist, when he's nothing more than Dubya's 'Comical Ali'.

David Horowitz and Comical Ali. Separated at intellectual birth? "The liberals will perish in great numbers inside Washington D.C."

Recently Horowitz posted the following claptrap:
"The email below is making the rounds and is something that defenders of the President and this country ought to know to be better able to deal with them... a.. Enron's chairman did meet with the president and the vice President in the Oval Office. b.. Enron gave $420,000 to the president's party over three years. c.. It donated $100,000 to the president's inauguration festivities. d.. The Enron chairman stayed at the White House 11 times. e. The corporation had access to the administration at its highest levels and even enlisted the Commerce and State Departments to grease deals for it. f.. The taxpayer-supported Export-Import Bank subsidized Enron for more than $600 million in just one transaction. Scandalous!! g.. BUT...the president under whom all this happened WASN'T George W. Bush. h.. SURPRISE ........ It was Bill Clinton!"
on his website as if it were some grand truth, without for one second thinking to fact-check, or even think if it sounded sane. If he'd so much as looked here, or here he would have seen this was a hoax.

But even if he did indeed did print a retraction later, it's this kind of piss-poor jounalism that marks what we're seeing now that is really propaganda that tries to pass as the truth. Shame on Horowitz, and the other journalists that work themselves into such a lather to support ANY politician or powerful person and throw away the truth in favor of something that sounds good are a black mark to their entire profession.

Having just come off of Veterans Day, and having come from a military family, having married into a 3 generation military family, I take supporting our troops very seriously. Despite my other disagreements with the Bush Administration, I was happy when I heard he was going to raise military pay, and increase benefits for our soldiers and their families.

I had no idea this is what Bush had in mind.

That's just a goddamn disgrace.

I had a great, very deep night of sleep last night, with no interruptions at all. I feel bad for Heather that I sleep so deeply some nights and she gets stuck with having to take care of the kids at night, but taking the Topamax (and the trileptal still at night as well), I'm not able to wake up most nights except under extreme circumstances like someone's giving me a Prince Albert piercing whilst I snooze.

I had my EEG this morning. This would mark my 3rd, though this was by far the most thorough. It was very trippy at parts. I sat in the recliner and they attached the electrodes to my head through the gritty gel-like stuff and then said "If it's possible, we'd like you to fall asleep." at which point I remember hearing "Good, now we need you to wake up, and the EEG's almost over." Excuse me? Where'd the last 45 minutes go? Jesus. The topamax is beating me the hell up.

I'm nervous about the results of the EEG, and scared about what they might show. It feels voyeuristic to peer into my brain while I sleep. I don't feel like I should know what's going on in my own head while I sleep, but I secretly DO want to know, hence the voyeurism of it all. I wanted instant information turnaround, but the technician said that I'd have to wait a week to hear back.

I'm not ready to be epileptic. I'm not ready to have my license taken away from me, and be chained to this medication forever. I couldn't remember my discount number at Rite-Aid last night. This morning, thinking about writing about this post, I spent 5 minutes in the car panicked because I couldn't recall the word 'simultaneous'. It's not as if the word's not there any more. I can tell it's still there, but the Topamax has set up these big giant roadblocks in my brain, and now I have to drive my thoughts down different synapses to get where I was going. It sucks, and I hate it.

But if it controls the seizures, I have to do it.

Or do I?

I've been thinking about exploring some alternative methods, including lots more exercise, accupuncture, meditation, and others. As always, I'll let you know.

This day just completely evaporated. I had it off, and I intended to write more on the novel I'm working on, and transcribe my interview with Ken Krawchuk but this day just evaporated before my very eyes.

It didn't get off to a very good start. I'm still adjusting to taking the Topamax for my seizures, and we think I had another one last night, and I launched myself out of bed last night and landed fast first onto the floor in my bedroom, busting up my lip. That was at 4am, and the day's been kind of hazy since.

It's hard to judge how the Topamax is working in relation to the Trileptal. When I sleep, I do sleep better, but I'm not as dopey. But I seem to be having more seizures right now.

I still don't even know why I'm having the seizures, and it's all really frustrating. I wish they would just stop, and I could end all the medications all together.

So there's been more troubles at the Reeves Ranch.

I haven't been myself lately. I've had a really short lately, and I've been snapping at Heather frequently. I hate myself when I do that. I've also been very sarcastic when I don't mean, even as much as I hate sarcasm. I'm ashamed at my actions, and I wish I was doing better. I'm contemplating leaving work early to go to church to pray.

I don't consider myself terribly religious, but it always seems to help settle my soul when I talk with God, and I'm in a terrible tempest here.

I don't know if my actions are rubbing off on Heather, or vice versa, but her fuse is just as short as mine, and we alternate between being mad at each other and holding each other on the couch. I feel like that guy in the AT&T commercial that stands in his wife's meeting holding up the big sign that says "I'm sorry" and "I'm an idiot". The first time I saw that commercial, I turned to Heather and said "That's us".

Heather, I don't think you even read my website, but I'm really sorry if I've been a jerk lately. I'm really trying to be better. I'm trying to be a better husband, a better daddy. Thank you for being the better person and putting up with me while I try. I love you.

when you rate the movies you just watched and Netflix says "Maybe you'd like 'Teen Wolf Too'!". Ouch! What did I ever do to you Netflix?

Doing some more unpacking in my house I came across a container filled with some old writings. I found a sketchbook filled with writing and poetry from 9 years ago, and this caught my eye...

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankee jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankee fan from the water. Then using autographed Nomar baseball bats, the three men beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions,” he told them. “I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.”

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies “Who was that?” “It was the Pope,” one replied. “He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom.” “Well,” the harpooner said, “he may have access to God’s wisdom, but he doesn’t know anything about shark fishing... How’s the bait holding up?”

So I put the pic up of Devastatin' Dave and his name's floating around because of the bad album covers blog that Stone put up, and some people have apparently taken an interest in finding Dave, checking him out, seeing if he's still a slave to the turntable, is he still Devastatin', you know, that stuff...and I can happily tell you that I have indeed found him:

Devastatin' Dave the Cyberslave

He's got several songs for download as MP3. Check 'em out and tell Dave I said hi!

1. The president keeps flying around the country having lunch with supporters and raising money. Why doesn't the president meet with detractors? Isn't it the job of the president to guide the country to a better place? Who better to help the president be aware of where he's slacking than those who do don't agree with him? If I were president, I'd make it a point to meet with people who DIDN'T like me, just so I could hear their beefs.
2. So...uh...where's Saddam? Have we just stopped looking? Heat's too much, we've got our tail between our legs and we're just going to stop? Do we have ANY clue where he is? I haven't heard a story in a while about the hunt for him, or where they think he is.
3. While we're at it, where's Bin Laden? Anyone heard from him lately? When we were handing out free money and training through the CIA, we couldn't stop the flow of terrorists, "freedom fighters", and unwashed zealot into our camps. Seriously, we trained this man, we gave him his tools and knowledge, and noe we can't use it against him? How many times are we going to have to invade a country to clean up our own goddamn mess? Panama, Somalia, Afghanistan, Iraq...
4. I watched the presidential debates yesterday on CNN with the Democratic party candidates, and while entertaining, it was extremely annoying how every one of them would duck every question:
   
   

   Student	How would you fix the current mess that Americorp is in, especially considering George Bush pledged more support and then cut funding?
   Cand. X	That's a great question, and I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd really support Americorp because I think that public service is important, unlike my opponent, George Bush, who has time and time again made it difficult to get involved in public service. And let me tell you another thing about George Bush...

MSNBC is running a story about $850 million being spent to train Iraqi police officers over the next two years.

I recognize the need to train them at this point (having plunged heedlessly into this unecessary and most certainly bloody new Vietnam), but I want to know about that $850 million. Is it included in the $87 billion recently approved? Or is this additional money being spent that's not being included in the final total?

Who's keeping track of the total amount being spent by our government?

And where's the memorial to the soldiers that have fallen since war has ended?

I downloaded iTunes for Windows last week, and I've been using it both at home and at work to download new music, as my full-time media player (supplanting Winamp), and to burn CDs.

It is hands down the best online music service I have used, ever. Better than MusicMatch, better than Pressplay, and I'm willing to bet that it will be better than the new service MTV's proposing to put out in the next couple of months.

Do not wait, run out now, and download iTunes. Get it for yourself and see the future. This is how music should be done.

Expect a full review with pretty pictures in a couple of days.

As a side note, now that we've got this, I want a service that will let me download videos from musicians and burn them to DVD. There are some off-the-hook videos that I would love to own that I just can't get anymore. Are you listening guys? Click-and-burn videos! That should be next.

On the personal side, woke up earlier today, and I was able to get some cleaning done, do some writing in the morning, and play with the babies. I've been trying to be a better father. I know that I don't spend a lot of time with my children, and that worries me, so it was good to get to spend some time with them this morning. I'm hoping that next week Tuesday (Veteran's Day) that I can take them out for the day and give Heather the day off. It'd be nice to go out somewhere for the day. Anyone have any suggestions?

This felt like the weekend that wasn't, and not even because we were particularly busy. Saturday I spent the day around the house with Owen, and I cleaned while he slept. We watched the Godfather together because Heather said she wasn't going to see it.

Then, Heather and I went out and had dinner and saw Scary Movie 3. It was okay. It wasn't as good as I had hoped, but it was an entertaining evening. They had their anti-piracy movie playing at the beginning of the movie, and the guy was saying "Piracy doesn't hurt the producers, it hurts the little people". "Stop making so many shitty movies" I said. I was going to say it louder so more people could hear me, but Heather could sense that I was going to say something and she grabbed my hand to stop me. Still, the guys next to me and behind me laughed.

Then, Sunday was spent basically shopping and visiting. I spent time with some friends of the family and then Heather and I went shopping.

By the time I was laying down in bed last night drifting to sleep, it seemed like the weekend hadn't even occurred.

So I posted previously about Fred Phelps and how he's not only a fucking moron, but that he's not terribly Christian either, despite calling himself a Reverend.

So I checked out his websites, drawn like a motorist to scene of grisly bloody accident, except of course, these especially horrific car wrecks are ones of poor thinking and bad faith.

On his one site, he posts a link to send questions, challenging the user to first check the FAQs, and saying further:

"We are prepared to answer any question, for we follow the commandment found at 1 Peter 3:15 'But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear'. "

(source: http://www.godhatesamerica.com/html/contact.html)

So I took up that challenge and sent the following email:

How can you guys be so self-righteous about other people when Jesus has
said both:
"He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her" (John 8:7) and "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" (Matthew 7:3)


Aren't you going against the direct orders of Jesus at this point?


Also, it's fine to point at laws in the Old Testament that support your positions, but if you're going to believe that out of the Old Testament, then why not the other laws proscribed onto us? It would seem to me to be a great sin to believe yourself sinless and to pick and choose what you are going to believe and follow in the Bible.

That was several days ago that I called him and his followers on the carpet for their false faith, and I haven't heard anything. I think they're afraid to look within themselves and their own hearts and admit that the rabid, mindless, disgusting hatred they perpetrate does not gel with Christianity, and that if Jesus were to walk the Earth today he'd say they were worse than the Pharisees, which biblically speaking is like saying "Even the Green Party thinks you lean too much to the left".

Serious folks, they profess to be willing to answer any question, but when an honest one arrives, they duck it and pretend it never arrived. And to me, that's extremely cowardly.