I talked with my doctor today and got back the results of my 4th EEG today. It came back normal, like the 3 before it, which has prompted them to ask for a 24 ambulatory EEG, which means I go the doctor's office, and I get hooked up and then I spend the whole day hooked up to this machine, including while I'm at work, walking around, and it records my brainwaves.
Like I said, I feel vaugely like a voyeur peeking into my brain doing this kind of thing, dirty and invasive, but turned on all the same.
I drove home today balling, listening to REM, wondering what would would happen if I had a seizure tonight and I never woke up. What if I had a seizure and I died? Would McKenna remember me, or would I just end up being a dusty picture on a mantle and a faded memory? How well would Heather be able to tell her stories of who I was and what I did, and how much she meant to me? I think that's what's weighing on me the most. I don't know what's going to happen to me next, and it could be severe, and I could vanish into the haze of my own mind permanently, never to see my children ever again, or my wife, or my family or friends. I'm terrified, and I hate that this disease, this disorder that no one can pin down, much less diagnos or treat could steal so much from me.
It's not fair or right, and I won't let it happen. I won't.
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