Apologies

What else can I be? All apologies...
"All Apologies" - Nirvana

While I'm here, and it's late at night, I wanted to make a couple of apologies. I'll start with one immediately and say, to those people to whom I'm apologizing this way, I'm sorry. I don't know of any other way to contact you, other than to hope that somehow, you find this and take it to heart. If I could, I'd say these things to you personally. But for now, this has to do...

Ruth - Ah dear Ruth. I hurt you bad, and why? I don't even know why I made the choice that I did, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that sometimes, when I think back to those murky days of my youth, I wish I could have chosen you instead, and followed my heart. I guess I was scared, and for being both afraid to listen to my heart, and for hurting you when I did it, I'm sorry. The truth is that even today, I can't look at Orion without thinking of you in some way. I hope you're still painting, and I hope it's going well for you.

Amanda - I was a fool. A terrible, frightened, and confused fool. You were also a person where I let my fear get in the way of what I knew was right and good for me, and I made an awful choice. I'm sorry that I was so terrible to you, and hurt you. I'm sorry about the way things ended between us. I often wonder if you've made it to being a professional opera singer. Your talents were immeasurable, and for the short time I knew you, you made me feel like I was a god. So loving, so accepting, so caring, and yet I was so stupid. I hope you're doing really well right now, and you've found a partner that will love and cherish you like you really deserve.

Holly - It would be easy for me to say that you were responsible for all of the pain and horror in our relationship, and for a while, I had myself convinced that was true. But I know better. I wasn't the easiest person to live, and my decisions and actions often drove you crazy. We both were very very bad for each other, and it's shame that it took so long for us both to realize it and move on. Before we dated, you were a fabulous friend, and I wish that there was some way we could have salvaged what was good about us. It's too late now. I'm sorry that I spent so long blaming you for everything that was wrong, and not spending enough time looking at myself. I know you're married, and a mother now, and I'm happy for you. I hope you have a long, happy, and healthy life.

That's it for now. My hope is that as I make my apologies, and get these things out of my system that I will be able to move on with my own issues. I'm really just taking a page from the 12-Steppers here. One of the things that a person going through a 12-Step program must do is go back and apologize to all of the people they've hurt.

I don't regret where I am now, or hope for a change. Far from it. I love Heather like crazy, and I love my children. I'm not willing to trade my wife or kids for another chance in the past. I just want the people in my dark distant past that I hurt to know that I recognize that I hurt them, and know that I'm sorry.