Dear Dad

Dear Dad,
Owen was baptized this weekend. I wish you could have been there. I wish I could say that I know you would have been there if you could, but based on what my half-sister told me, you weren't always the most reliable during her life either. I don't say this to shame you, or make you feel bad. The funny thing is, I feel bad, like somehow I didn't hold on long enough. Like somehow I could have stopped the slow process of the cancer that ate you up from the inside out.

I miss you like hell on some days. Several times I could have sworn that I felt your hand on my shoulder, or I felt you enter the room like only you could. I was looking for that feeling on my wedding day, but I never felt it. I was looking for it when McKenna was born, and the whole ordeal afterwards with losing my job and looking for work and raising a little girl. When Owen was born, I thought for sure you would be there to ring in the birth of your grandson. A boy! But I didn't feel you.

Now I'm a father of two, just like you were. A father of a boy and a girl, just like you were. And I'm afraid that somehow I'm going to turn out just like you were: Angry, distant, resentful. And still I wanted you there.

I wanted you there like I did when you saved me from that Siberian Husky, saving my life. You were my hero for that entire year. I wanted you there like when you would show up at the playground at school during recess and just give me a hug, or a piece of candy, or book you had bought just for me. I wanted you there like when you taught me to ride a bike.

I'm sure you can see all this from heaven, can hear me, and I know that you keep watch over me, but there are times when I need your strength, your presence, your hand on my shoulder to let me know that I'm doing okay. That finally, you're proud of me. That's all I ever wanted. You to be proud of me. When I taught myself to read sheet music like you could. When I mowed the lawn for you without you asking. When I brought in all those honor roll grades. When I won the Science Fairs. When I found a good job and starting making decent money. When I found a wonderful woman willing to be married to me and have a family with me. I wanted you to be proud of me. When I became a father...

Now Owen's starting on the journey of life, and I'm so proud to be his father. I can't believe I'm this lucky to have this opportunity. And all I ask is that if you can't be there for me, and be proud of me, stand by Owen and keep him safe. Protect him, keep him from harm, and let him know that you are there, so that no matter what happens he'll know the warmth of your presence. Maybe even in a way that I never got to know.