I got an email a few days ago from an acquaintance, Bob (not his real name) that talked about some Toxic People in his own life. His wife has quite the extended family, 3 brothers, 4 sisters, many cousins and aunts and uncles. The problem is that Bob is kind of the outsider. His wife's family is very tight-knit and Bob doesn't fit in. He was an only child, he's outspoken and articulate, he's not afraid to argue, in a sense, a lot like me.
Well according to Bob: "They won't stop talking about me behind my back, no matter what I say to my wife. A month ago, they were whispering to each other that I was beating her. The month before that it was that we were broke. Now it's the 'fact' that I'm having an affair at work."
The worst of it is that Bob's oldest sister-in-law comes by the house often and lays these rumors on Bob's wife so then it starts an argument between them, and then Bob goes home from work and has an argument with his wife, because he's upset about what they're saying. He wants to confront them directly, but his wife won't let them.
Bob said "So, Maurice, what should I do? I'm going nuts here, and I don't think I stay married if I'm going to be sniped at all the time". Well Bob, I know what you're saying, and what you're going through. I've been in my share of passive-aggressive relationships before. I've been around passive-aggressive families before. I haven't forgotten you buddy, I'm just trying to think through an answer.
I figured I'd turn this over to my readers and see if any of them have any ideas. So what do you all think? What should Bob do? Divorce? Confront them? Leave it alone? What would you do?
I think the family should be confronted. If you aren't aggressive and stand up for yourself, people will keep pushing you. You need to draw that imaginary line that will tell them how far you will allow them to push you.
My father was the black sheep in his family. Not only were they not nice to him but they weren't very nice to my mother, either. My father never tried to protect himself against their negativity. He always did the right thing.
After my grandmother's death, my father's only sibling took advantage of his good nature. He and my aunt no longer speak and I no longer have much of an extended family. I don't know if things would have been different if my father had stood up for himself all those years ago. But things between he and his sister may not have ended as badly as they did if my father had been better at expressing himself verbally.
People will only push you as far as you allow them to push you. Your wife is telling you to leave it alone because she probably hopes that things will improve and she does not want to be stuck in the middle. Doing something is better than not doing anything at all. If your in-laws have any respect for your marriage at all, they will learn to keep their noses out of your business.
Good luck.