It's easy to focus on the bad things that happen in the family when we're in the house with all of them for several days. A home begins to feel like a cage, and all the ugliness builds up until someone, or everyone, has an eruption. It's nasty and painful and further sours the family relationship.
The problem is that many times, people have deeper issues that they're dealing with when they start arguments, or get involved in arguments. A ruined pot roast becomes a beacon for those deeper issues, and without naming the issue that's deep down, they far exceed what's acceptable for the ruined dinner and turn nasty.
The question that I struggle with is this: is it acceptable to name the deeper issue and try to confront the issue head on, or should each person seek out their own way of dealing with the family bones we're all chewing on?
As I sit here and type this, I think it's better that each person seek out a therapist and learn the tools they need to deal with the toxicity they face in their own families. You can't force healing and change on another person, and shining light on an issue in front of the whole family probably will not fix anything. And that stinks. But it's true...
I don't mean to be down this soon after Christmas, but this has just been something on my mind from before Christmas. Not even because of my in-laws or my own family. They've been great. I don't even remember why this train of thought left the station. It just did. So I figured I'd follow it to it's destination.
Funny how you mention the feelings of family members at this particular time. While I am excited about my move to Florida, I have to hide my feelings around my mother. She will not talk to me about it. I have packed for my trip in secret over the last several weeks. And even as I sit at home as this is my last night in NJ, I have been told by my father and sisters not to say goodbye to my mother because she is not handling it well. It is turning what should be exciting time for me into a very stressful time. I hate to sound like a baby but this isn't fair. I am still excited to be going because I will have my own life, responsibilities, independence, etc. But instead of having a supportive parent, I have a relationship with her that is even more strained than it was before.
I will miss my friends but is it terrible to say that I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that I will have distance from my immediate family? It's not as if I am never coming home again. I will be home once a month for the next few months.
I am very proud that my instincts have always told me to never have children - to avoid a toxic family. I have learned gross behaviour from my parents (eg humbling myself to others) and I would hate to pass that onto anyone else.
Maurice - my tactics are usually to 'shine the light' but in fact, rather than allow everyone involved to admit the truth, it seems to send everyone running in various directions, blinded. Except the ones who are so resentful that they stick around to thump me for it. I think you are probably right that the only way is to address yourself.
Laura - I know that many of my friends have breathed a sigh of relief when I have gone away or they have missed my call etc. It is very hurtful for me but I don't blame them. Maybe try telling your mother that you understand that she is hurt but ask her if she understands that she is bringing you down? Remind her that she cannot demand respect for her right to happiness (ie that you don't go to Florida), if she won't accept her obligations to respect yours. Maybe?
i'm excited that there are other people that quited their families!! and their will on their.
I'll be one of them, (i'm not yet couse i'm yet preperaing)
I don't consider my blood-relatives family at all. I really don't like them and want to move as far away from them as possible. They are horrible people!!! I found that my "mother" didn't want children so when I was a baby she stabbed me in an attempted to kill me. (This is a true story!) Somehow, I survived and for years when I asked her about the scar I had, she told me that it was from some kind of emergency surgery that I had to undergo as a baby. I believed her but when I tried to go into the Air Force, they asked me to have the hostpital send them a medical explanation of that surgery. When I contacted the hospital where my "mother" said I had the surgery, not only did they not have any record of a child with my name being there, they even said that the "surgery" would not be something that they would perform on a baby. When I confronted my "mother" with this, she said I was being mean but would not answer me. She then went to say with her sisters (who are bitches, for the most part) and most of them stopped talking to me. These people are sick. Pray that God will move me (in a good way) as far from them as possible to a much better life.
And feel free to write anytime. I have so many stories to tell about this so-called "family"
My B+S in law are sucking the energy out of the family. They both dont work, rely on my m in law to babysit, clean do chores because they both suffer from not only laziness but hypochondrism. Tired of everyone not saying anything. By not working they put constant stress on my Hus by not paying rent and endlessly buying themselves luxury items and lying about it.
I was born into a toxic family. My mother, during the time I addressed her as such, lied to me for years. I was born with an ear deformity ( which could be corrected with plastic surgery) and she and my dad(whom I addressed as such during my formative years, had braces on my teeth at age 12 yrs. He was a workaholic and had a drinking habit to go along with it. My mother had a drinking problem as well and never could drive a car. She had me drive her around when I became of age to drive, and had her husband and her youngest daughter,my sister drive her around or she took a taxi. Anyway, they were both so cruel and dysfunctional, that they would not have my braces r emoved from my teeth, always telling me that I had another millimeter to go. Finally, I began to plea in desperation to have the braces removed and I lost the enamel on my teeth as a result. These were the days of metal braces. There was nothing wrong with my teeth other than a minor problem with an upper tooth that grew in too high on the left side of my mouth. Possibly one on the other side as well, it has been a long time. I'd rather have had my ears taken care of with surgery, but when you have a toxic mother and are a child, you will not be taken care of and you will end up looking worse than before. My dad made a lot of money as a designer and manufacturer of fine jewelry and had plenty of money and blue cross blue shield insurance, but he always went along with what my mother said, and if she cared to kill me, it was alright with him. Her name was Mary. Isn't that a killer? Mary could do no wrong. Any time I went to my dad for relief to have him take care of me, it was responded to as "go ask your mother" If this were not enough, I was given a birth name that would be very detrimental to me and my life's existance (life threatening by many people in society) No one helped me, and due to this name and my birthdate, everyone that came in contact with me ignored the situation and me. I received no guidance from either parent (life skills nor men) I was to become a prostitute, even though I got married and had children and was a devoted mother. The man I married had a partnership with my abusive husband I am now divorced from for many years, and both of them conspired more to abuse me. My sister knew this later on when she got older and she never helped me, infact, she is toxic to me as well.Mary is now dead, and so is her husband, however, bfore she died, she had to make sure I was tormented for life. She left me out of the will left to her by her husband, and both my brother( only by law standards) and my sister(by law standards) were left a fortune. "Mother Mary" determined I would not recieve a thing, and stated in the will that she "intentionally left me out". There is much more horror bought on me from this "so called family" owever, this is just to give you a rough idea of what it is like. Being young, some believe it is normal, they do not have the understanding. The fighting is just seen as normal sibblings , however my brother was 6'2'' at young age and would sock me on my arms and I would have bruises on my arms. The reason? He would go and raid the cupboards for food while Mother Mary and her husband went to the grocery store, and when I got hungry, he said no, and socked me. He was given approval by Mother Mary to do this, and my clothes covered my arms. The abusive man I married is now dead as well, and probably teaming up with Mother Mary to further torment me down here. I will only expose them now so that I can release the pain, torment and aguish of losing so much of my life now as a result. I need moles removed from my face, I need false teeth now because of their damage, and I need a caring friend in the world and more, yet my brother and sister had it all, and my sister attempted suicide on Mother's Day, and both of them have husbands, houses, money and I am now 55yrs. old and ready to be on the streets, penniless. I finally got my name changed a couple of years ago, but not soon enough. My oldest son before he died led me to this. He was my only friend in the world. I am penniless and heart broken from all of this and his death. "God help me". I have a toxic daughter now, almost 30 and a sole surviving son, who is like my dad( by law standards) I have no life and havent for years. The relatives? They are just as bad and the cousins and every single one down the line.