Bluest Day

I am crushed with depression today. I usually have a few of these days when the weather gets nice that my whole soul deflates. I sag from the shoulders down and I find it hard to look people in the eye. I'm listless and I don't want to eat or worse yet I want to eat my way through a mountain of food. I find one sad song that fits my mood and just play it over and over again.

I know why I am depressed today: I am beat up from house hunting and securing the financing and the worrying over every little detail of the move and finding my children a preschool and the million of other nits that are flying around my head.

I really just want to stare out the window for a few hours. Better yet, I want to be outside on some old bench in a forgotten garden out of cellphone reach and away from life for the afternoon.

I have very little to be depressed about. My children are beautiful, they're bright and vibrant and funny and loving and snuggling. I'm exercising every night and losing weight. My wife and I sit on the couch together at nights after the kids are asleep and the windows are open letting in the night air. She always smells so good and her warm body against mine while we sit and watch TV is the real home I seek at night. We laugh and talk and tease each other in the stillness. Sometimes we go to bed early and just relax in the silence.

I know anyone can be depressed over nothing in particular, only depressed because of chemical imbalances in my brain or neurons misfiring or lack of sunlight or lack of sleep or lack of some external stimulus, or even too much stress, and it's probably the dawning conclusion of the house buying that's finally unleased all of this stress into my body so that my shoulders ache and my neck is tight and pinched...but I know I have nothing to really be depressed about. And yet I am. I should be excited to finally hear the news, and I'm torn up inside instead.

Tonight I'll have the final word on our offer to buy our new house. I'll pull into the parking lot at home and the kids will run screaming across the lawn towards me and I'll be hammered with hugs and kisses and then everything will be okay again.