Two 500-lb bombs were dropped on a house and wreckage flew so far I found a piece in my backyard. And yet, Zarqawi's body was miraculously preserved. How can it be?
I present you:
Top 10 Reasons Why Zarqawi's Body Survived the Bomb Blast
10. He always did love that quote about leaving a good looking corpse from Oscar Wilde
9. They said those bombs were smart, we just didn't know how smart
8. The bomb's didn't actually hit the house, Zarqawi and his buddies were lighting their farts after a night of binging on camel milk and hummus. oy!
7. Zarqawi had recently been dipped in teflon "for posterity's sake"
6. Madame Tussard works a night-shift in body reclamation for the Buquba Police Department
5. Vincent Price works a night-shift in body reclamation for the Buquba Police Department. (The bennies are out of sight! 401k the day you start and all the free medicine you can steal off the UN Medical Transport)
4. The CIA had no need for that Zarqawi body double they'd been growing at Langley, so they shot him and it's his pictures you're seeing instead.
3. It's really Ashton Kutcher and he's waiting until he's in front of President Bush to sit up and scream "YOU'VE BEEN PUNKD!"
2. Zarqawi had taken these pictures months ago for a Halloween card for Osama and we're just using those photos
1. Because the bombs never really fell at all, we only blew it up after the special forces got him out of there, tortured the hell out of him, and got what they needed from him.
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