New Airline Security Regulations

I am looking for the original source, which I'll link to, but did anyone else here that announcement from Michael Chertoff about new airline security regulations:

"Starting next week, all luggage will have to be checked. No carry-on luggage will be allowed on planes at all. Furthermore, to prevent the danger of suicide bombers, people will not be able to leave their seats during flights for any reason. In addition, more invasive searching of people and their possessions will be required. In order to make these changes possible, we're implementing the following regulations:
1. All infants will need to be checked at the luggage counter. A special nursery section will be added to the holds of airplanes that will most likely be pressurized for the entire trip.
2. Once seated, the flight attendants of the airplanes will come by and shackle you to your seats. We're going to leave people's feet unshackled for now and only shackle people's arms.
3. Each person will be fitted with a catheter before flight which will be hooked up to airplane's liquid waste removal system. Men will have the option of an internal or external catheter. The process of catheterization will also include a body cavity search.
4. All people flying on airplanes will now fly naked. We have had reports of people sewing explosive threads into their clothes, which could detonate on command. All clothes will be shreded at the airport prior to take off. You will be issued a government jumpsuit at your destination to wear while collecting your luggage.
5. All people will be shaved from head to toe prior to entering the plane. We must ensure the safety of all people on the plane, and with reports of explosive shampoo, we don't want someone's pompadour igniting.
6. There will no longer be any assigned seating. Upon boarding the plane, naked, shaved, and catheterized, you will be directed to a seat by a flight attendant. Families may no longer sit together, and all people who look similar will be separated.
7. During the flight, every person will be outfitted with a sterilized ball gag, which they will wear for the entire flight. This will prevent people from spontaneously expelling explosives they're previously swallowed.
8. Upon exiting the plane, all passengers will be shackled together at the hands and led by armed guards to the baggage claim.

We think this strikes a good balance between people's rights and the safety of everyone. Thank you."

Once I find a clip or the original text online I'll post a link.