I know I said I was waiting until Friday, and I was cutting off all ties to the internet so the book wouldn't be spoiled for me, but I couldn't resist. The temptation was too great. So I might as well jump on the bandwagon and present these spoilers. Be warned, there's some pretty intense stuff here, so don't look unless you really want to know....
Alright, so here goes:
- Dumbledore is really Salazar Slytherin.
- Harry is actually the love child of Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall and Lilly and James were only taking care of him.
- Harry travels to the Lourve to destroy a Horcrux left there inside a cryptex. Whilst there he is implicated in a bizarre murder, and finds out that Fleur Delacour is descended from Jesus Christ.
- While in France, Harry sees Kreacher and Gollum walking along the Seine river holding hands. They're both wearing rings. Did they really tie the knot or is something more sinister afoot? Rowling never reveals!
- It's revealed that Neville Longbottom is actually Voldemort, and that actually, both of them are the same man: Kayser Soze.
- The Ministry of Magic activates its most powerful Auror to fight Voldemort: Austin Powers. YEAH BABY!
- In a leadup confrontation between Harry and Voldemort/Neville, Harry loses his wand hand in a climactic battle, JUST LIKE HIS FATHER, Dumbledore. Luckily, before the Aurors and the DA storm the Deatheaters Star, Harry has a cybernetic hand attached.
- In the final battle, Harry "wakes up", realizing this is all a simulation. Using his newly found insight, he games the simulation and handily wins.
- Voldemort is not killed, but is captured and put on trial before the Wizengamot. During the trial it's discovered that Voldemort was acting on orders from Cornelius Fudge. When Fudge is put in the witness stand, he contradicts himself about whether or not he ordered Voldemort to act, and in his frustration at being outsmarted shouts "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!". Fudge and Voldemort are both sent to Leavenworth.
- The battle against evil has bankrupted Hogwarts. But all is not lost...Harry, Ron, and Hermione along with the remaining members of the DA descended into caves underneath Hogwarts and Hogsmeade searching for the lost treasure of One-Eyed Willie. If they can find the treasure, they can save Hogwarts!
- Unfortunately, their efforts are in vain. A few remaining Death Eaters set fire to Hogwarts. Hermione flees home to her muggle parents swearing "I'll never go hungry again"
- Despite winning against evil, the trio we've come to love is strained, and they split up, never really to meet again.
- Harry flees for the US, and enrolls in Pacific Tech, where he plans to study lasers. Hermione disappears. Ron is destitute and cynical, so he opens a bar next to his brothers' joke shop. The Ministry of Magic becomes corrupt and is torn apart by infighting. Evil seems on the rise again. A group of wizards go underground to resist the evil once again. Ron's not interested in joining their fight, until...late one night, many years in the future, Hermione walks in with her husband, a well known resistance fighter. He mutters under his breath "Of all the butter beer joints in all the towns in the world, she walks into mine..."
- Interestingly enough Snape wasn't really in the book that much. On page 6 he says something about family affairs in Denmark and rushes away. He's never seen again.
A belated hat tip to my friend Chris for helping me sort these out.
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