Why I Don't Do Drugs

I've never done drugs. I've never smoked a spliff, snorted a line, chased a dragon, huffed, whatever. It's not something I'm boastful about, it's all about personal choices. I believe that people should have the ability to bend and spindle their own consciousness as they see fit. I just didn't see the need.

I would get into debates about this in college. My friends who did drugs would say "Man when you do drugs you think about all sorts of crazy things like 'What if this was all a big lake?'" (actual quote). My response was always "Because I don't need drugs to think up things like that. They just occur to me naturally."

Case in point, the other day on CNN they were discussing knock-off purses, and John Roberts and Kiran Chetry were picking up the different styles, looking at the purses, stroking them, sniffing them, and a thought ran through my head:

"A purse is a giant fashion vagina".

A purse is a vagina women carry around with them to put their stuff in.

Yes, I really did think that.

And then...then..my mind started coming up with tangents for that thought:

• That would explain why men don't like holding purses. They don't want to be seen holding a fashion vagina


• Watch out! These vaginas DO have teeth.


• What does this say about women that have more than one purse? That they wish to have many vaginas? That they wish to spruce theirs up?


• What about the women who don't carry purses?


• Does that mean a wallet is a money cock and that's why men seek to make them as thick as possible? Isn't everything on a man a cock? His tie points at his cock, his jacket sweeps open at the waist like curtains at the theatre.


• When did I turn into Dr. Freud?

And on and on.

See, that's why I don't take drugs. My brain's on a freaky-deaky acid trip ALL the time.