November 2007 Archives

One day a while ago we were listening to some Journey at work, indulging a cheese craving if you will, and after the end of the song dragged on for a few minutes my friend Chris said "Ah yes, the 80's where no one knew how to end a song". I laughed, but it never occurred to me how correct that statement was until yesterday when I left work. I have four songs from Tears for Fears ("Shout", "Head Over Heels", "Sowing the Seeds of Love", and "Everybody Wants to Rule the World") on my iPod and I decided to listen to them when heading home. Leaving the front door of my office I put on "Shout". Down the elevator and it's still "Shout", walking the two minutes down to the train station and it's still "Shout". Waiting for the train and they're just now getting around to winding down. I know it's only supposed to be a 6-minute song but it felt like a full-blown rock opera.

By the time all four song had wound down my Amtrak train had left Philadelphia back towards Harrisburg. I could have let the same four songs play all the way home and probably heard them 4 times each.

There are lot of things that make parenting harder these days...parents that let their children dress like hookers and pimps, cellphones targeted at toddlers, CHILDRENS! PROGRAMMING! ON! TV! 24! HOURS! A! DAY!

But I've found one thing that's actually made my life kind of easier in this world as a parent when dealing with my sly little ones. Cellphone ringtones. See, my kids know about Santa Claus. We've told them that Santa's all-knowing. We've told them that Santa's all-seeing. We've told them that Santa has a round-the-clock surveillance system Dick Cheny has killed to try and get his hands on, and more importantly, Santa is in constant communication with all parents all the time.

And this is where cellphone ringtones come in handy. If I think my children are being very bad and they're not respecting my authority oooo, look, it's the special Santa ringtone coming out of my phone! "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." The look of sheer terror and wonder that song on my phone can evoke is nothing short of beautiful.

Which is where the other tip comes in. I told my daughter a while ago that every time she lies, one of Santa's elves dies, and that Santa knows whose lie killed the elf.

"Who had the toy first?"
"I did!"
"No! I did!"
"I promise daddy, I had it first. I'm not lying"
"No I had it first! She's lying!"
*after a few minutes of this*
"He sees you when you're sleeping...he knows when you're awake...."
"Hello Santa! How...oh my god! How many elves are dead???? Oh my. That is a lot. Oh...I think I should sit down..."
"Daddy, Owen had the toy first. I was lying."
"Daddy, I hit her first, I was lying."

Yes sir...works every time.

You should use both of these tips in your house. You'll be amazed by the power and terror you wield with these two simple techniques. You'll wonder how you ever got by without them before.