Recently in Toxic People Category

It's easy to focus on the bad things that happen in the family when we're in the house with all of them for several days. A home begins to feel like a cage, and all the ugliness builds up until someone, or everyone, has an eruption. It's nasty and painful and further sours the family relationship.

The problem is that many times, people have deeper issues that they're dealing with when they start arguments, or get involved in arguments. A ruined pot roast becomes a beacon for those deeper issues, and without naming the issue that's deep down, they far exceed what's acceptable for the ruined dinner and turn nasty.

The question that I struggle with is this: is it acceptable to name the deeper issue and try to confront the issue head on, or should each person seek out their own way of dealing with the family bones we're all chewing on?

As I sit here and type this, I think it's better that each person seek out a therapist and learn the tools they need to deal with the toxicity they face in their own families. You can't force healing and change on another person, and shining light on an issue in front of the whole family probably will not fix anything. And that stinks. But it's true...

I don't mean to be down this soon after Christmas, but this has just been something on my mind from before Christmas. Not even because of my in-laws or my own family. They've been great. I don't even remember why this train of thought left the station. It just did. So I figured I'd follow it to it's destination.

I got an email a few days ago from an acquaintance, Bob (not his real name) that talked about some Toxic People in his own life. His wife has quite the extended family, 3 brothers, 4 sisters, many cousins and aunts and uncles. The problem is that Bob is kind of the outsider. His wife's family is very tight-knit and Bob doesn't fit in. He was an only child, he's outspoken and articulate, he's not afraid to argue, in a sense, a lot like me.

Well according to Bob: "They won't stop talking about me behind my back, no matter what I say to my wife. A month ago, they were whispering to each other that I was beating her. The month before that it was that we were broke. Now it's the 'fact' that I'm having an affair at work."

The worst of it is that Bob's oldest sister-in-law comes by the house often and lays these rumors on Bob's wife so then it starts an argument between them, and then Bob goes home from work and has an argument with his wife, because he's upset about what they're saying. He wants to confront them directly, but his wife won't let them.

Bob said "So, Maurice, what should I do? I'm going nuts here, and I don't think I stay married if I'm going to be sniped at all the time". Well Bob, I know what you're saying, and what you're going through. I've been in my share of passive-aggressive relationships before. I've been around passive-aggressive families before. I haven't forgotten you buddy, I'm just trying to think through an answer.

I figured I'd turn this over to my readers and see if any of them have any ideas. So what do you all think? What should Bob do? Divorce? Confront them? Leave it alone? What would you do?

I got some positive comments about my blog yesterday about toxic people, most especially from Laura, and my buddy Jeff. I want to highlght what Jeff said here:
"Its really bad when you read something like what you wrote, you look in the mirror at yourself, and you think to yourself, "My God, could *I* have been that way?" The fact is, I was, to a limited extent, with someone who I really cared about, and I deeply regret it...and when the realization that you did something like this hits you, it really makes you want to hate yourself, and change, so that you never do it ever again. Hopefully something like this can be filed under the "lessons learned" category".

You know, I'm always afraid that I'll turn into my father, and that I'll treat people, especially Heather and my babies poorly. I hate thinking that despite all of the things that I have lived through and all of the things I have seen, the behavior I despised when I was grew up will bubble up out of me one day. I hope that it never does. Jeff's right though. We all need to look in the mirror and ask ourselves "Am I being a toxic person? Have I been? Why?" It's a painful question to ask, for me especially, because I need to admit whether I'm giving in to exactly the very the same things that caused me so much hurt and anger. But I figure that if I'm willing to examine myself and admit that yes I am being a jerk, then there's still hope for me to change. On the flipside, if I'm not being a jerk, then things are good.

Kudos to Jeff for being honest about his own actions and continuing this discussion. Thank you Jeff. I appreciate it.

I can't stand toxic people, the ones who crap all over something big you've done when you've done for whatever reason. I grew up with the king of toxic people, my father. He was older when I was born, so when we moved to Gettysburg, he wanted me to learn how to mow the lawn. So I was like 12 years old and he took me out for my first lesson, and I tried for about 5 minutes before my dad got really frustrated, walked over to the lawnmower, pulled me off of it and told me to go back in the house and he mowed the rest of the lawn himself.

Several weeks later, I was determined that I wasn't going to let that be the end of it, so I knew that my parents were going to be away all day, so I got the lawnmower out of the shed, and I mowed the acre and a half with the riding mower. I used the push mower on the little yard that fronted the road and the side that edged along the creek. I made some mistakes, but I went back over and I did a damn fine job, and I could tell, standing at the house, looking downwards at the slope of the lawn, and the remaining glint of the sun that I had finally accomplished something my dad could be proud of.

When they finally did arrive, my dad stopped and looked at the lawn, but didn't say anything, he just walked in the house. I followed him in and got a drink of water.

"You want me to say something about the lawn? You should have been mowing it a lot sooner."

Another time, I spent hours in my room teaching myself how to read sheet music and how to play my father's nice electronic keyboard. He had this nice Yamaha keyboard that just sat in the corner, and I liked it. I coveted it. I figured that if I could learn to play music, maybe I could have it. So I was determined. Reading music wasn't that hard, and translating it to the keyboard wasn't that much harder, for single notes, so I set about teaching myself some songs. I learned to play "Silent Night", "America the Beautiful", and a couple of other songs. It was really important to me. I knew my dad was a good musician, and he had a really good singing voice, so I figured I'd show him first, and he'd be impressed, so once I was happy with my songs I brought out the keyboard and I started playing. Halfway through "Silent Night" he stopped me and said "So what? You think you'll ever really be a musician, or ever really play?" It took me a long time to ever want to play music again.

One final example for you. My father was insistent that I learn how to play chess. He said that I had to learn to play. It was a man's game, and good for the the mind, and people wouldn't take me seriously if didn't know how to play, so he gave me a stack of 4 very serious books about chess that I was to read, and I had to play him. I was intimidated, but I looked forwarded to playing him, because I really loved spending time with him. He made me feel comfortable and safe (at least in those days) in a warm dark woord, Old-Spice kind of way. We would play and play and play on this imposing Italian chess set made of marble and pewter that I still own.

Well you can see where this is going. As long as I'm losing, and he can teach me, we're playing, but it did finally happen that I beat him. Checkmate. He never played me again. Flat out refused.

After my dad died, and I'd had a chance to get some distance I realized how toxic he was, not only on the big things, like I detailed above, but on a day to day level. It's amazing to me to see how on a day-to-day basis so many people put up with toxic people in their life, and tolerate that kind of bullshit without calling it for what it is.

Ask yourself?

1. Who are the crazymakers in my life, the really toxic people that upset me, aggravate me, frustrate me, and make my life more difficult? Why am I putting up with it?
2. Are the benefits I'm getting out of putting up with this person worth the aggravation of knowing them? If not, what do I have to lose by cutting them loose? Sometimes saying goodbye and cutting someone free is scary because you're changing the status quo, but change is good for growth.